When I was in college I found myself Ubering to make money. This was in Southern California, and LA at the time was a constant flow of work. Occasionally you’d pick people up in a nice area and they’d tell you that they were sleeping with someone in a relationship, or that they themselves were cheating. This was depressingly common. I think that saying what they were doing to someone gave them a weird kind of relief.
Once I drove someone from Hollywood to Hemet, CA. He was very charming, and funny. When I dropped him off it was at a big blue building that they buzzed us into. He left me a $200 cash tip. I later found out this was what is known as “Gold base” for the church of scientology. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a completely normal not weird at all in any way location owned by the church of scientology. Feel free to google it!
A few months into my “taxi” career. Insurance companies started using ride share service, and some people who were more down on their luck would use it. Sometimes this was people just trying to get their kids to school, but sometimes it was much sadder. I can’t tell you how many times I showed up to a doctors office to see someone with accessibility limitations face drop at seeing my tiny car instead of a van like they needed.
The people with substance problems were interactions that would stay with you.
Once I picked a man going to a dental appointment and I drove him for about a half hour. He told me about how he used to run drugs in the 90’s, until they caught him with a few pounds of coke. He told me about when he was moved from Nevada to Florida for trial. How he travelled handcuffed in a van. How the cops would stop only once a day at McDonalds and for their one dollar menu item of the day. He asked me to stop at a liquor store he chugged a tiny bottle of booze, shoved mints into his mouth, then sipped on a soda.
He smelled like pure alcohol when I dropped him off at the dentist.
Near my house there was a methadone clinic. I would get up before dawn to be able to take those rides. (Early bird gets the worm right) Almost always they were sweet, and thankful. Sometimes they were a little out of it but I never felt in danger or anything like that. Just good people going through tough times. These rides were the most consistently depressing.
People who were going to court clearly drunk or high. Older women who had trouble requesting a ride and had been waiting in the parking lot of their dialysis place into the night.
They’d tell their stories sometimes. A person who was going to court for a child custody case, people struggling with mental illness. Some mornings were exhausting.
Being up that early you’d hit another crowd that I had never anticipated. Funeral goers. The saddest funeral ride was when a man and a woman got into my backseat. Rather than speaking to me the man handed me a neon printout of a map of a cemetery with instructions on what plot to go to. With, “Hello, I am attending my father’s funeral. My wife and I are deaf. Please follow these directions.” Written on the back of it.
The whole ride I could hear them signing to one another and trying not to cry.
There were also the retired gamblers. They’d leave their houses at 7 in the morning, take a $70 uber out to the desert, and spend the whole day gambling at the reservation casinos. The desert is where I saw the weirdest things.
The desert was the only place I had ever felt scared driving. It was in Temecula the “wine country” of so cal. Lots of wooded roads and desert. I picked up a lady just off the freeway at what I initially assumed was the edge of a golf resort but it was an unpaved access road. It was late and that area was especially dark. I was getting ready to call the passenger I saw them coming down the unpaved access road.
It was a tall blonde woman in a very nice pant suit. She was absurdly put together considering she had walked god knows how long in heels down a dirt rock road. She got into the car and was very pleasant. She said she lived in a gated community that was hard to get Ubers too and it was easier to send me to the access road. I thought it was weird but I did not want to be creepy asking about where she lived.
She was friendly, chatty even. She was going to a dinner party, and as she spoke to me I could feel her looking at me in the rearview mirror the entire ride. We drove a half hour away from the freeway. To one of those rural chic neighborhoods that you would hear celebrities had huge parties at.
Eventually we reached the “address” which was a paved road lined with trees. She told me to keep driving and I didn’t think much of it because again we were in a mansion style neighborhood. We hit a white ranch style fence after a minute or so going down the road.
That was the when I started to feel a bit uneasy. There were around a dozen no trespassing signs, and one of those classic “Forget the dog, beware of owner” signs with a guy pointing a pistol at you. I thought it was more than a little blunt to have that many signs but hey not my property.
We drove for about a minute when we came to another fence. It was at the top of a hill and it overlooked a barn with some lights in the distance. I know this sounds weird but it was unpleasant. I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was just a barn with what looked like a barbecue going on. But being out in the woods without any light had freaked me out.
The passenger told me I could just slide the gate open. As I approached the fence, I saw some signs that made me stop cold.
Off to the side of the gate, not quite in the dark, but on the fringes of my headlights. There were metal signs with bullet holes through them. Swaztikas, and confederate flags brightly displayed.
So-Cal has a lot of white supremacist pockets. I had dropped off dozens of passengers in Cities like Norco, and driven down streets with people drinking in the garage, and a nazi flag proudly hung behind them. It wasn’t my favorite but I wasn’t spending any time in those neighborhoods more than I needed to. This was different though.
It was after 11pm at night, and I had no idea where I was. I opened the gate , and down the road I saw what I assume were cellphone flashlights lighting up and coming up the incline. This made me very uncomfortable. I went back and I told the woman that I didn’t think my car could make it back up the hill if I went down it.
“What are you talking about? Just take me it’s right there.”
She was getting more heated and I could see the lights slowly making their way up the hill.
She kept telling me I needed to cancel the ride, and that she wouldn’t pay to not be taken the entire way. I told her the pin I was supposed to take her too was a mile back up the road, but I was so nervous I relented and cancelled on my end. She slammed the door as she got out.
I took off before I could see the cellphone light people get closer. The road back was much rougher at the speed I was going at. I felt a bump that felt like I hit a body but I kept going. My car was driving like shit but I kept driving till I was past the fence, out of the rich neighborhood until I stopped at a gas station. My right rear tire was fucked up, and I needed to change it.
There was a few nails that looked like they had been attached to a piece of wood on my tire. I was freaked out so hard and sometimes I wish I had called the cops and reported it. But of course all that happened was I got a flat on a back road, and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my night waiting on a cop car.
I know it’s far more likely that I freaked myself out than a bunch of nazis planning to mess with a random Uber driver. But when I pick up a well dressed businesswoman from a remote location, and drop her off at a separate remote location, gives me chills that I have trouble explaining to this day.
submitted by Alright so, I took the default database from there
https://skribbliohints.github.io/ and with the help of html, I extracted the words to a list separated by commas. It's useful when you want to translate those words into your native language.
Word of advice, when using google translate, do not put all words at once there, it can rapidly worsen the translation.
(
And there is a last thing. Their algorithm of picking only custom words is not working really good, at least for me. Meaning that I often get duplicates, despite having a list this big and without duplicates. I'm still trying to find some solution to this, so if somebody is experiencing this as well, share the knowledge please, I will do the same.)
SOLUTION: Thanks for the reply from
PepegaWR who identified the cause. I also tested it and there seems to be a custom words limit of 5000 characters. The easiest way in my opinion is to shuffle the words before each session to minimize the impact. Also thanks to the
flynger who had the same idea before me :)
Finally, here it is, enjoy the scribbling ^^ :
ABBA, AC/DC, Abraham Lincoln, Adidas, Africa, Aladdin, America, Amsterdam, Android, Angelina Jolie, Angry Birds, Antarctica, Anubis, Apple, Argentina, Asia, Asterix, Atlantis, Audi, Australia, BMW, BMX, Bambi, Band-Aid, Barack Obama, Bart Simpson, Batman, Beethoven, Bible, Big Ben, Bill Gates, Bitcoin, Black Friday, Bomberman, Brazil, Bruce Lee, Bugs Bunny, Canada, Capricorn, Captain America, Cat Woman, Cerberus, Charlie Chaplin, Chewbacca, China, Chinatown, Christmas, Chrome, Chuck Norris, Colosseum, Cookie Monster, Crash Bandicoot, Creeper, Croatia, Cuba, Cupid, DNA, Daffy Duck, Darwin, Darwin Watterson, Deadpool, Dexter, Discord, Donald Duck, Donald Trump, Dora, Doritos, Dracula, Dumbo, Earth, Easter, Easter Bunny, Egypt, Eiffel tower, Einstein, Elmo, Elon Musk, Elsa, Eminem, England, Europe, Excalibur, Facebook, Family Guy, Fanta, Ferrari, Finn, Finn and Jake, Flash, Florida, France, Frankenstein, Fred Flintstone, Gandalf, Gandhi, Garfield, Germany, God, Goofy, Google, Great Wall, Greece, Green Lantern, Grinch, Gru, Gumball, Happy Meal, Harry Potter, Hawaii, Hello Kitty, Hercules, Hollywood, Home Alone, Homer Simpson, Hula Hoop, Hulk, Ikea, India, Intel, Ireland, Iron Giant, Iron Man, Israel, Italy, Jack-o-lantern, Jackie Chan, James Bond, Japan, JayZ, Jenga, Jesus Christ, Jimmy Neutron, John Cena, Johnny Bravo, KFC, Katy Perry, Kermit, Kim Jong-un, King Kong, Kirby, Kung Fu, Lady Gaga, Las Vegas, Lasagna, Lego, Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo da Vinci, Lion King, London, London Eye, Luigi, MTV, Madagascar, Mario, Mark Zuckerberg, Mars, McDonalds, Medusa, Mercedes, Mercury, Mexico, Michael Jackson, Mickey Mouse, Microsoft, Milky Way, Minecraft, Miniclip, Minion, Minotaur, Mona Lisa, Monday, Monster, Mont Blanc, Morgan Freeman, Morse code, Morty, Mount Everest, Mount Rushmore, Mozart, Mr. Bean, Mr. Meeseeks, Mr Bean, Mr Meeseeks, Mummy, NASCAR, Nasa, Nemo, Neptune, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nike, Nintendo Switch, North Korea, Northern Lights, Norway, Notch, Nutella, Obelix, Olaf, Oreo, Pac-Man, Paris, Patrick, Paypal, Peppa Pig, Pepsi, Phineas and Ferb, Photoshop, Picasso, Pikachu, Pink Panther, Pinocchio, Playstation, Pluto, Pokemon, Popeye, Popsicle, Porky Pig, Portugal, Poseidon, Pringles, Pumba, Reddit, Rick, Robbie Rotten, Robin Hood, Romania, Rome, Russia, Samsung, Santa, Saturn, Scooby Doo, Scotland, Segway, Sherlock Holmes, Shrek, Singapore, Skittles, Skrillex, Skype, Slinky, Solar System, Sonic, Spain, Spartacus, Spiderman, SpongeBob, Squidward, Star Wars, Statue of Liberty, Steam, Stegosaurus, Steve Jobs, Stone Age, Sudoku, Suez Canal, Superman, Susan Wojcicki, Sydney Opera House, T-rex, Tails, Tarzan, Teletubby, Terminator, Tetris, The Beatles, Thor, Titanic, Tooth Fairy, Tower Bridge, Tower of Pisa, Tweety, Twitter, UFO, USB, Uranus, Usain Bolt, Vatican, Vault boy, Velociraptor, Venus, Vin Diesel, W-LAN, Wall-e, WhatsApp, William Shakespeare, William Wallace, Winnie the Pooh, Wolverine, Wonder Woman, Xbox, Xerox, Yin and Yang, Yoda, Yoshi, Youtube, Zelda, Zeus, Zorro, Zuma, abstract, abyss, accident, accordion, ace, acid, acne, acorn, action, actor, addiction, addition, adorable, adult, advertisement, afro, afterlife, air conditioner, airbag, aircraft, airplane, airport, alarm, albatross, alcohol, alien, allergy, alley, alligator, almond, alpaca, ambulance, anaconda, anchor, angel, anglerfish, angry, animation, anime, ant, anteater, antelope, antenna, anthill, antivirus, anvil, apartment, apocalypse, applause, apple, apple pie, apple seed, apricot, aquarium, arch, archaeologist, archer, architect, aristocrat, arm, armadillo, armor, armpit, arrow, ash, assassin, assault, asteroid, astronaut, asymmetry, athlete, atom, attic, audience, autograph, avocado, axe, baboon, baby, back pain, backbone, backflip, backpack, bacon, bad, badger, bag, bagel, bagpipes, baguette, bait, bakery, baklava, balance, balcony, bald, ball, ballerina, ballet, balloon, bamboo, banana, bandage, bandana, banjo, bank, banker, bar, barbarian, barbecue, barbed wire, barber, barcode, bark, barn, barrel, bartender, base, basement, basket, basketball, bat, bathroom, bathtub, battery, battle, battleship, bayonet, bazooka, beach, beak, bean, bean bag, beanie, beanstalk, bear, bear trap, beatbox, beaver, bed, bed bug, bed sheet, bedtime, bee, beef, beer, beet, beetle, bell, bell pepper, bellow, belly, belly button, below, belt, bench, betray, bicycle, bill, billiards, bingo, binoculars, biology, birch, bird, bird bath, birthday, biscuit, bite, black, black hole, blackberry, blacksmith, blanket, bleach, blender, blimp, blind, blindfold, blizzard, blood, blowfish, blue, blueberry, blush, boar, board, boat, bobsled, bodyguard, boil, bomb, booger, book, bookmark, bookshelf, boomerang, boots, border, bottle, bottle flip, bounce, bouncer, bow, bowl, bowling, box, boy, bracelet, braces, brain, brainwash, branch, brand, bread, breakfast, breath, brick, bricklayer, bride, bridge, broadcast, broccoli, broken heart, bronze, broom, broomstick, brownie, bruise, brunette, brush, bubble, bubble gum, bucket, building, bulge, bull, bulldozer, bullet, bumper, bungee jumping, bunk bed, bunny, burglar, burp, burrito, bus, bus driver, bus stop, butcher, butler, butt cheeks, butter, butterfly, button, cab driver, cabin, cabinet, cactus, cage, cake, calendar, camel, camera, campfire, camping, can, can opener, canary, candle, canister, cannon, canyon, cap, cape, cappuccino, captain, car wash, cardboard, carnival, carnivore, carpenter, carpet, carrot, cartoon, cash, casino, cast, cat, catalog, catapult, caterpillar, catfish, cathedral, cauldron, cauliflower, cave, caveman, caviar, ceiling, ceiling fan, celebrate, celebrity, cell, cell phone, cello, cement, centaur, centipede, chain, chainsaw, chair, chalk, chameleon, champagne, champion, chandelier, charger, cheek, cheeks, cheerleader, cheese, cheeseburger, cheesecake, cheetah, chef, chemical, cherry, cherry blossom, chess, chest, chest hair, chestnut, chestplate, chew, chicken, chihuahua, child, chime, chimney, chimpanzee, chin, chinchilla, chocolate, chopsticks, church, cicada cigarette, cinema, circle, circus, clap, clarinet, classroom, claw, clay, clean, clickbait, cliff, climb, cloak, clock, cloth, clothes hanger, cloud, clover, clown, clownfish, coach, coal, coast, coast guard, coaster, coat, cobra, cockroach, cocktail, coconut, cocoon, coffee, coffee shop, coffin, coin, cola, cold, collapse, collar, color-blind, comb, comedian, comedy, comet, comfortable, comic book, commander, commercial, communism, community, compass, complete, computer, concert, condiment, cone, confused, console, continent, controller, conversation, cookie, cookie jar, copper, copy, coral, coral reef, cord, cork, corkscrew, corn, corn dog, corner, cornfield, corpse, cotton, cotton candy, country, cousin, cow, cowbell, cowboy, coyote, crab, crack, crate, crawl space, crayon, cream, credit, credit card, cricket, cringe, crocodile, croissant, crossbow, crow, crowbar, crucible, cruise, crust, crystal, cube, cuckoo, cucumber, cup, cupboard, cupcake, curry, curtain, cushion, customer, cut, cute, cyborg, cylinder, cymbal, dagger, daisy, dalmatian, dance, dandelion, dandruff, darts, dashboard, daughter, day, dead, deaf, deep, deer, defense, delivery, demon, demonstration, dent, dentist, deodorant, depressed, derp, desert, desk, desperate, dessert, detective, detonate, dew, diagonal, diagram, diamond, diaper, dice, dictionary, die, diet, dig, dinner, dinosaur, diploma, dirty, disaster, disease, dishrag, dispenser, display, diss track, distance, diva, divorce, dizzy, dock, doctor, dog, doghouse, doll, dollar, dollhouse, dolphin, dome, dominoes, donkey, door, doorknob, dots, double, dough, download, dragon, dragonfly, drain, drama, drawer, dream, dress, drink, drip, drive, driver, drool, droplet, drought, drum, drum kit, duck, duct tape, duel, dwarf, dynamite, eagle, ear, earbuds, earthquake, earwax, east, eat, echo, eclipse, eel, egg, eggplant, elbow, elder, election, electric car, electric guitar, electrician, electricity, elephant, elevator, embers, emerald, emoji, employer, emu, end, engine, engineer, equator, eraser, error, eskimo, espresso, evaporate, evening, evolution, exam, excavator, exercise, explosion, eye, eyebrow, eyelash, eye shadow, fabric, fabulous, facade, face, face paint, factory, failure, fairy, fake teeth, fall, family, farm, farmer, fashion designer, fast, fast food, fast forward, father, faucet, feather, fence, fencing, fern, festival, fidget spinner, field, figurine, filmmaker, filter, finger, fingernail, fingertip, fire alarm, fire hydrant, fire truck, fireball, firecracker, firefighter, firefly, firehouse, fireman, fireplace, fireproof, fireside, firework, fish, fish bowl, fisherman, fist fight, fitness trainer, fizz, flag, flagpole, flamethrower, flamingo, flashlight, flask, flea, flight attendant, flock, floodlight, floppy disk, florist, flower, flu, fluid, flush, flute, fly, fly swatter, flying pig, fog, foil, folder, food, forehead, forest, forest fire, fork, fort, fortress, fortune, fossil, fountain, fox, frame, freckles, freezer, fridge, fries, frog, frostbite, frosting, frown, fruit, full, full moon, funeral, funny, fur, furniture, galaxy, gang, gangster, garage, garbage, garden, gardener, garlic, gas, gas mask, gasoline, gasp, gate, gem, gender, generator, genie, gentle, gentleman, geography, germ, geyser, ghost, giant, gift, giraffe, girl, gladiator, glass, glasses, glitter, globe, gloss, glove, glow, glowstick, glue, glue stick, gnome, goal, goat, goatee, goblin, godfather, gold, gold chain, golden apple, golden egg, goldfish, golf, golf cart, good, goose, gorilla, graduation, graffiti, grandmother, grapefruit, grapes, graph, grass, grasshopper, grave, gravedigger, gravel, graveyard, gravity, greed, grenade, grid, grill, grin, groom, grumpy, guillotine, guinea pig, guitar, gumball, gummy, gummy bear, gummy worm, hacker, hair, hair roller, hairbrush, haircut, hairspray, hairy, half, halo, ham, hamburger, hammer, hammock, hamster, hand, handicap, handle, handshake, hanger, happy, harbor, hard, hard hat, harmonica, harp, harpoon, hashtag, hat, hazard, hazelnut, head, headache, headband, headboard, heading, headphones, health, heart, heat, hedgehog, heel, heist, helicopter, hell, helmet, hen, hermit, hero, hexagon, hibernate, hieroglyph, high five, high heels, high score, highway, hilarious, hill, hip hop, hippie, hippo, hitchhiker, hive, hobbit, hockey, holiday, homeless, honey, honeycomb, hoof, hook, hop, hopscotch, horizon, horn, horse, horsewhip, hose, hospital, hot, hot chocolate, hot dog, hot sauce, hotel, hourglass, house, hovercraft, hug, hummingbird, hunger, hunter, hurdle, hurt, husband, hut, hyena, hypnotize, iPad, iPhone, ice, ice cream, ice cream truck, iceberg, icicle, idea, imagination, impact, incognito, industry, infinite, injection, insect, inside, insomnia, internet, intersection, interview, invasion, invention, invisible, iron, island, ivy, jacket, jackhammer, jaguar, jail, jalapeno, janitor, jaw, jazz, jeans, jeep, jello, jelly, jellyfish, jester, jet ski, joker, journalist, journey, judge, juggle, juice, jump rope, jungle, junk food, kangaroo, karaoke, karate, katana, kazoo, kebab, keg, kendama, ketchup, kettle, key, keyboard, kidney, kindergarten, king, kiss, kitchen, kite, kitten, kiwi, knee, kneel, knife, knight, knot, knuckle, koala, kraken, label, laboratory, ladder, lady, ladybug, lake, lamb, lamp, landlord, landscape, lane, language, lantern, lap, laptop, laser, lasso, laundry, lava, lava lamp, lawn mower, lawyer, leader, leaf, leak, leash, leather, leave, leech, legs, lemon, lemonade, lemur, lens, leprechaun, lettuce, levitate, librarian, library, licorice, lid, light bulb, lighter, lighthouse, lightning, lightsaber, lily, lilypad, limbo, lime, limousine, line, link, lion, lips, lipstick, litter box, lizard, llama, loading, loaf, lobster, lock, log, logo, lollipop, loot, loser, lotion, lottery, lounge, love, low, luck, luggage, lumberjack, lung, lynx, lyrics, macaroni, machine, macho, mafia, magazine, magic, magic trick, magic wand, magician, magma, magnet, magnifier, maid, mailbox, mailman, makeup, mall, mammoth, manatee, manhole, manicure, mannequin, mansion, mantis, map, maracas, marathon, marble, margarine, marigold, market, marmalade, marmot, marshmallow, mascot, mask, massage, match, matchbox, mattress, mayonnaise, mayor, maze, meal, meat, meatball, meatloaf, mechanic, meerkat, megaphone, melon, melt, meme, mermaid, message, messy, metal, meteorite, microphone, microscope, microwave, midnight, military, milk, milkman, milkshake, mime, miner, minigolf, minivan, mint, minute, mirror, missile, model, mohawk, mold, mole, money, monk, monkey, monster, moon, moose, mop, morning, mosquito, moss, moth, mothball, mother, motherboard, motorbike, motorcycle, mountain, mouse, mousetrap, mouth, movie, mud, muffin, mug, murderer, muscle, museum, mushroom, musket, mustache, mustard, nachos, nail, nail file, nail polish, napkin, narwhal, nature, navy, neck, needle, neighbor, neighborhood, nerd, nest, network, newspaper, nickel, night, nightclub, nightmare, ninja, noob, noodle, north, nose, nose hair, nose ring, nosebleed, nostrils, notebook, notepad, nothing, notification, novel, nugget, nuke, nun, nurse, nut, nutcracker, nutmeg, nutshell, oar, observatory, ocean, octagon, octopus, office, oil, old, omelet, onion, open, opera, orange, orangutan, orbit, orca, orchestra, orchid, organ, origami, ostrich, otter, outside, oval, overweight, owl, oxygen, oyster, paddle, page, pain, paint, paintball, pajamas, palace, palette, palm, palm tree, pan, pancake, panda, panpipes, panther, pants, papaya, paper, paper bag, parachute, parade, parakeet, parents, park, parking, parrot, party, password, pasta, pastry, path, patient, patio, patriot, pause, pavement, paw, peace, peach, peacock, peanut, pear, peas, peasant, pedal, pelican, pencil, pencil case, pencil sharpener, pendulum, penguin, peninsula, penny, pensioner, pepper, pepperoni, perfume, periscope, person, pet food, pet shop, petal, pharmacist, photo frame, photograph, photographer, piano, pickaxe, pickle, picnic, pie, pig, pigeon, piggy bank, pigsty, pike, pill, pillar, pillow, pillow fight, pilot, pimple, pin, pinball, pine, pine cone, pineapple, pink, pinky, pinwheel, pipe, pirate, pirate ship, pistachio, pistol, pitchfork, pizza, plague, planet, plank, plate, platypus, player, playground, plow, plug, plumber, plunger, pocket, pogo stick, point, poison, poisonous, poke, polar bear, policeman, pollution, polo, pond, pony, ponytail, poodle, poop, poor, popcorn, pope, poppy, popular, porch, porcupine, portal, portrait, positive, postcard, poster, pot, pot of gold, potato, potion, pound, powder, prawn, pray, preach, pregnant, present, president, pretzel, price tag, priest, prince, princess, printer, prism, prison, pro, procrastination, professor, programmer, promotion, protest, provoke, prune, pub, pudding, puddle, puffin, puma, pumpkin, punishment, punk, puppet, purity, purse, puzzle, pyramid, quarter, queen, queue, quicksand, quill, quilt, quokka, raccoon, race, racecar, radar, radiation, radio, radish, raft, rail, rain, rainbow, raincoat, raindrop, rainforest, raisin, rake, ram, ramp, rapper, raspberry, rat, ravioli, razor, razorblade, read, reality, reception, receptionist, record, rectangle, recycling, red, red carpet, reeds, referee, reflection, reindeer, relationship, religion, remote, repeat, reptile, rest, restaurant, retail, revolver, rewind, rhinoceros, rib, ribbon, rice, ring, ringtone, risk, river, roadblock, robber, robin, robot, rock, rocket, rockstar, roll, roof, room, rooster, root, rose, royal, rubber, ruby, rug, ruler, run, rune, sad, saddle, safari, safe, sailboat, salad, sale, saliva, salmon, salt, saltwater, sand, sand castle, sandbox, sandstorm, sandwich, satellite, sauce, sauna, sausage, saxophone, scar, scarecrow, scarf, scary, scent, school, science, scientist, scissors, scoop, score, scream, screen, screw, scribble, scuba, sculpture, scythe, sea, sea lion, seafood, seagull, seahorse, seal, search, seashell, seasick, season, seat belt, seaweed, second, security, seed, seesaw, semicircle, sensei, server, sew, sewing machine, shadow, shake, shallow, shampoo, shape, shark, shaving cream, sheep, shelf, shell, shipwreck, shirt, shock, shoe, shoebox, shoelace, shop, shopping, shopping cart, short, shotgun, shoulder, shout, shovel, shower, shrew, shrub, shy, sick, signature, silence, silo, silver, silverware, sing, sink, sit, six pack, skateboard, skateboarder, skates, skeleton, ski, ski jump, skin, skinny, skribbl.io, skull, skunk, sky, skydiving, skyline, skyscraper, slam, sledge, sledgehammer, sleep, sleeve, slide, slime, slingshot, slippery, slope, sloth, slow, slump, smell, smile, smoke, snail, snake, sneeze, sniper, snow, snowball, snowball fight, snowboard, snowflake, snowman, soap, soccer, social media, socket, socks, soda, soil, soldier, sombrero, son, sound, soup, south, space, space suit, spaceship, spade, spaghetti, spark, sparkles, spatula, speaker, spear, spelunker, sphinx, spider, spin, spinach, spine, spiral, spit, spoiler, sponge, spool, spoon, spore, sports, spray paint, spring, sprinkler, spy, square, squid, squirrel, stab, stadium, stage, stamp, stand, stapler, star, starfish, starfruit, statue, steam, step, stereo, sting, stingray, stomach, stone, stoned, stop sign, stork, storm, stove, straw, strawberry, streamer, street, stress, strong, student, studio, study, stylus, submarine, subway, sugar, suitcase, summer, sun, sunburn, sunflower, sunglasses, sunrise, sunshade, supermarket, superpower, surface, surfboard, surgeon, survivor, sushi, swag, swamp, swan, swarm, sweat, sweater, swimming pool, swimsuit, swing, switch, sword, swordfish, symphony, table, table tennis, tablecloth, tablet, tabletop, taco, tadpole, tail, tailor, take off, talent show, tampon, tangerine, tank, tape, tarantula, target, taser, tattoo, taxi, taxi driver, tea, teacher, teapot, tear, teaspoon, teddy bear, telephone, telescope, television, temperature, tennis, tennis racket, tent, tentacle, text, thermometer, thief, thin, think, thirst, throat, throne, thug, thumb, thunder, thunderstorm, ticket, tickle, tie, tiger, time machine, timpani, tiny, tip, tiramisu, tire, tired, tissue, tissue box, toad, toast, toaster, toe, toenail, toilet, tomato, tomb, tombstone, tongue, toolbox, tooth, toothbrush, toothpaste, toothpick, top hat, torch, tornado, torpedo, tortoise, totem, toucan, touch, tourist, tow truck, towel, tower, toy, tractor, traffic, traffic light, trailer, train, translate, trap, trapdoor, trash can, traveler, treadmill, treasure, tree, treehouse, trend, triangle, trick shot, tricycle, trigger, triplets, tripod, trombone, trophy, tropical, truck, truck driver, trumpet, tuba, tug, tumor, tuna, tunnel, turd, turkey, turnip, turtle, tuxedo, twig, type, udder, ukulele, umbrella, uncle, underground, underweight, undo, unibrow, unicorn, unicycle, uniform, universe, upgrade, vacation, vaccine, vacuum, valley, vampire, vanilla, vanish, vault, vegetable, vegetarian, vein, vent, vertical, veterinarian, victim, victory, video, video game, village, villain, vine, vinegar, viola, violence, violin, virtual reality, virus, vise, vision, vitamin, vlogger, vodka, volcano, volleyball, volume, vomit, voodoo, vortex, vote, vulture, vuvuzela, waffle, waist, waiter, wake up, walk, wall, wallpaper, walnut, walrus, warehouse, warm, wart, wasp, watch, water, water cycle, water gun, waterfall, wave, wax, weak, wealth, weapon, weasel, weather, web, website, wedding, welder, well, werewolf, west, western, whale, wheel, wheelbarrow, whisk, whisper, whistle, white, wife, wig, wiggle, willow, wind, windmill, window, windshield, wine, wine glass, wing, wingnut, winner, winter, wire, wireless, witch, witness, wizard, wolf, wonderland, woodpecker, wool, work, workplace, world, worm, wound, wrapping, wreath, wrench, wrestler, wrestling, wrinkle, wrist, writer, x-ray, xylophone, yacht, yardstick, yawn, yearbook, yellow, yeti, yo-yo, yogurt, yolk, young, youtuber, zebra, zeppelin, zigzag, zipline, zipper, zombie, zoo, zoom,
I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it.
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.
Cast
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares
Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
CABBY:
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
ANNABETH:
(Calm, confident)
Los Angeles, please.
CABBY:
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
ANNABETH:
Do you take casino debit cards?
CABBY:
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
CABBY:
(Shocked, excited)
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
ANNABETH:
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
PERCY:
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
(Gulps)
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
GROVER:
Well that got dark fast.
PERCY:
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
ANNABETH:
(Disappointed, blunt)
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
PERCY:
(Unsure)
Maybe…
GROVER:
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
PERCY:
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
What? What’s wrong?
ANNABETH:
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
PERCY:
Like what?
ANNABETH:
I-
(Reluctant)
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
PERCY:
(Suspicious, confused)
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
GROVER:
(Blunt)
Thanks.
PERCY:
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
GROVER shrugs.
PERCY:
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
ANNABETH:
(Hesitant, worried)
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
PERCY:
(Thinking)
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
ANNABETH:
(Uneasy)
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
ANNABETH:
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
ANNABETH:
(Surprised, worried)
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
GROVER:
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
ANNABETH:
(Concerned)
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
PERCY:
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY
(Startled, jumps)
Ah!
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
Whoa, boy!
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
PERCY:
(Slightly worried)
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERSEUS…
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Gentle)
PERCY JACKSON…
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Smiling, kind)
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Small laugh)
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
PERCY:
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
WATER SPIRIT:
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
PERCY:
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
NEREID:
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
PERCY:
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
NEREID:
(Sad, gentle)
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
PERCY:
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
NEREID:
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
NEREID:
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Um… well… no.
NEREID:
(Kind smile)
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
PERCY:
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
NEREID:
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
PERCY:
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
NEREID:
(Leans forward)
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
NEREID:
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
NEREID:
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
ANNABETH:
(Skeptical)
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
PERCY:
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
ANNABETH:
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
PERCY:
(Relieved)
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
(Feigning grief)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
GROVER:
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
GABE:
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Over dramatic)
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
GROVER:
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Hey, kid!
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Fidgeting)
Spare some change?
PERCY:
(Awkward, nervous)
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Shocked)
What the-!?
PERCY:
(Surprised, disappointed)
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
ANNABETH:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
ANNABETH:
There!
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
GROVER:
(Relieved)
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Lost who?
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
(Startled, jump)
Ah!
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
PERCY:
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
CRUSTY:
(Raises eyebrow)
Hm?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
CRUSTY:
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
PERCY:
(Uncomfortable)
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
PERCY:
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
CRUSTY:
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
PERCY:
(Anxious)
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
GROVER:
(Excited)
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
GROVER:
(Voice vibrating)
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
CRUSTY:
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
PERCY:
(Uneasy)
Huh? Not quite what?
CRUSTY:
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
I… but…
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
ANNABETH:
(Angry)
Hey! Get your hands off-
CRUSTY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
ANNABETH:
(Panicking, screaming)
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
GROVER:
(Alarmed)
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
PERCY:
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
CRUSTY:
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
PERCY:
(Assertive, serious)
Let my friends go.
CRUSTY:
(Calm, friendly)
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
PERCY:
(Confused, angry)
Fit? What do you-
CRUSTY:
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
PERCY:
(Angry, shouting)
Let them go, now!
CRUSTY:
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
ANNABETH:
(Screaming in pain)
PERCY!!!
GROVER:
(Screaming in pain)
HELP!!!
PERCY:
(Suspicious)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
CRUSTY:
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
PERCY:
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
PERCY:
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
PROCRUSTES:
(Flattered)
You think so?
PERCY:
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
PERCY:
(Shrugging)
Not too many.
PROCRUSTES:
Exactly!
ANNABETH:
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
PERCY:
(Dismissive)
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
PROCRUSTES:
(Sighing, disappointed)
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
PERCY:
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
PROCRUSTES:
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
PERCY:
(Surprised, nervous)
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
PROCRUSTES:
(Excited)
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
PERCY:
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
PROCRUSTES:
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
PERCY:
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
PROCRUSTES:
Absolutely.
PERCY:
Really? No waves at all?
PROCRUSTES:
None. Guaranteed.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be skeptical)
No way.
PROCRUSTES:
Way.
PERCY:
Prove it.
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
PROCRUSTES:
See? No waves at all-
PERCY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
PROCRUSTES:
(Shocked, angry)
What the-?!
PERCY:
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
(Uncaps Riptide)
… Let me make a few adjustments.
PROCRUSTES:
(Anxious, gulps)
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
PERCY:
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
PROCRUSTES:
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
PERCY:
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
PROCRUSTES:
(Curious)
Really? What’s that?
PERCY:
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
PROCRUSTES:
(Frowns)
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
You alright?
ANNABETH:
(Groaning)
Define “alright”.
PERCY:
(Smirks)
You look taller.
ANNABETH:
(Irritated)
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
PERCY:
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
(Groaning)
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
PERCY:
Good.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
ANNABETH:
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
PERCY:
What were you expecting?
ANNABETH:
(Shrugging)
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
PERCY:
(Confused)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
ANNABETH:
(Critical, curt)
And what if the plan goes wrong?
PERCY:
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(Sarcastic)
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
ANNABETH:
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
GROVER:
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
PERCY:
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
PERCY:
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
SECURITY GUARD:
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed)
N-no.
SECURITY GUARD:
Sir.
PERCY:
No, sir.
SECURITY GUARD:
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
PERCY:
(A bit irritated)
CHARON.
CHARON:
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
PERCY:
(Rolls his eyes)
Mr. CHARON.
CHARON:
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON:
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
ANNABETH:
(Confused)
I, uh- it is?
CHARON:
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
CHARON:
(Raises eyebrow)
All three of you at once?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I-it was a really big bathtub.
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
(Sighs, sad)
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
PERCY:
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
CHARON:
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
PERCY:
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
CHARON:
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
CHARON:
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
PERCY:
(Serious, assertive)
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
CHARON:
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
PERCY:
(Polite)
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
CHARON:
(Annoyed)
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
PERCY:
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
CHARON:
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
PERCY:
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
CHARON:
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON:
Freeloaders.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
CHARON:
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Nothing.
ANNABETH:
Oh… for how long?
CHARON:
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
ANNABETH:
(Curt, sarcastic)
Well that’s fair.
CHARON:
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
PERCY:
(Confident)
We’ll get out alive.
CHARON:
(Dry)
Ha.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
CHARON:
Well?
PERCY:
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
N-nothing.
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
GROVER:
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
ANNABETH:
The River Styx… it’s so…
CHARON:
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
CHARON:
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
CHARON:
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
CHARON:
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
PERCY:
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
ANNABETH:
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
There’s a court for the dead?
ANNABETH:
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
PERCY:
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
GROVER:
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
PERCY:
Well, that doesn't sound so-
GROVER:
Forever.
PERCY:
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
GROVER:
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
PERCY:
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
GROVER:
(Gulps)
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
PERCY:
(Petrified)
H-he’s a rottweiler?
ANNABETH:
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
PERCY:
(Curious)
I’m starting to see him better… why?
ANNABETH:
(Gulps, scared)
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
PERCY:
(Grim)
He can smell the living.
GROVER:
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
ANNABETH:
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
PERCY:
GROVER? Translation?
GROVER:
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
PERCY:
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
PERCY:
(Gulps)
G-good boy…
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY:
Fetch!
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
GROVER:
Um, PERCY?
PERCY:
Yeah?
GROVER:
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
ANNABETH:
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
GROVER:
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
ANNABETH:
(Frantically looking through backpack)
Hold on!
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
ANNABETH:
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
ANNABETH:
(Assertive)
Sit!
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH:
(Pleased)
Good boy!
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
ANNABETH:
Drop it!
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
ANNABETH:
(Picks up ball)
Good boy.
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY:
(Worried, hesitant)
But-
ANNABETH:
Go!
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
ANNABETH:
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
PERCY:
(Worried)
What about you?
ANNABETH:
(Slightly nervous)
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH:
Good dog!
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
PERCY:
(Impressed)
How’d you do that?
ANNABETH:
(Catching breath)
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
GROVER:
(Urgent)
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
PERCY:
(Worried)
ANNABETH?
ANNABETH:
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
ANNABETH:
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
PERCY:
(Sad, hesitant)
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
GROVER:
Your plans suck, dude.
PERCY:
(Irritated)
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
PERCY:
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.
Part 2 will be out soon.
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