After the wedding: My in-laws lull me into a false sense of security
After the wedding it’s like a switch was flipped. Suddenly I was the cherished daughter-in-law. They sent me a very sentimental card right after the wedding welcoming me into the family. I was added to family group texts, and as a couple we were invited over to spend the weekend every 4-6 weeks (we lived over an hour away, closer to my family) where we were treated to movies and dinners out. Sometimes even gifts. It was as if the earlier events in our relationship had never happened, and they had always liked me. Of course this means their past behavior was never addressed or explained, and they never apologized. Sometimes I think they only did this so as not to lose my husband, and to save face in front of the rest of the family. I doubt any of them know about my in-laws earlier behavior towards me. This went on for two years, and we were slowly lulled into a false sense of security. Still, MIL continued to have justno moments. She started hinting heavily about when we would start “giving her grandchildren.” My husband and I are childfree, have been since we started dating. However my husband had never told his parents how he felt about children, so they assumed grandchildren were imminent. In fact I just remembered, when we were dating before the breakup, my SO tested the waters by lying to his dad and saying that I was unable to have children. His dad started CRYING. So he had to go back and tell him he had misunderstood what I told him about medical issues, and yes I could have kids. I didn’t love that he did that believe me, but I didn’t hear about it until after the fact. It was honestly really stupid and kinda pissed me off. Back to my MIL, she also started urging us to move back to the larger metro area where they lived. At our first Thanksgiving after getting married, she loudly told everyone she’d been trying to get us to move back “for the free babysitting.” We then had to explain to everyone that no, I was not pregnant nor were we ‘trying’. One time I was laying in bed on my phone late at night, pinning cute nerdy nursery room designs like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Mario, etc. I’m a huge nerd and love interior design so I was more appreciating the attention to detail and execution than the fact that it was for a baby. Suddenly I got a text from my MIL “I saw your Instagram, when is he or she due?” I had to quickly explain that I was just pinning for fun, not for actual use. I then quickly changed my privacy settings, and just to be safe, never pinned anything kid-related ever again unless it was to a board labeled “For My Cousin” or something like that. Anytime we went down for the weekend I always brought a book, because a lot of times I felt like the fourth wheel. My husband and his parents sometimes seemed like the three amigos, as it had been just the three of them for such a long time, that it was hard fitting in. They would get into long discussions of common interests they all had that I didn’t find interesting(for example they’re all WAY more into Apple than I am. I love my iPad and iPhone but I don’t care enough to get into the minutia of new features coming out.), quoting obscure movies that only they had seen and other inside jokes, and it was hard to get a word in sometimes or find a way to join the conversation. I did try though, I’d voice an opinion here or there where I could. And to her credit, MIL went through a nice phase and got really into nail art, and for a while we would do each other’s nails. She lost interest after a while though and gave all the stuff to me. We never started a new activity together. Looking back, it feels like I was being assimilated into their very own niche WASP culture. If we wanted to watch a movie, it had to be one of their “(last name) family classics” none of which I had seen, or worse I had seen and didn’t like it. This also becomes apparent whenever we would go shopping together. They’ve gotten out of the habit in recent years but for the first several years of our marriage it seems like all we did as a family would shop. But the catch we only go to one of their favorite branded stores, I would never get to pick. His extended family is the same way, when the whole family is in town we’d traipse from store to store at the outlets, now being dictated by my husbands uncle, his dad’s older brother. Starting with the weekend I first went to Thanksgiving with them. One day that weekend we went to a big outdoor shopping mall, saw Frozen and then went shopping. MIL took me to her favorite branded jewelry story and proceeded to have me pick out two new charms for my charm bracelet, then bought them for me. I felt like I had slipped into another dimension. (I won’t mention the brand because I’m pretty sure they’re only in my state). Other times we’d go to her favorite clothing store, White House Black Market, and then the Coach store. And again, I would occasionally be bought something. And whereas I grew up wearing clothes that were on sale at Ross or JCPenney (or thrift store) and wore it without paying attention to the label, suddenly I was surrounded by people who paid attention to brand names. (For example the whole family only wears North Face jackets.) And that’s not inherently bad, it’s just not what I was used to. And slowly I began to pay attention to brand names too. Eventually I liked all the same brands as MIL and wanted stuff from there too. The catch is my husband and I were young and just starting out, so we could not afford those things at all. Like I said, occasionally I would be bought something, but it was never done in a straightforward manner, like “oh hey DeliciousRegular, why don’t you pick something out, it’s on me.” No, the way his family works is you pick something out you want and get in line to pay for it, and if someone wants to treat you they’ll snatch it and put it on their card. Or sometimes they’ll see you pick something up and take it from you to pay for it, that one is less stressful. But it’s happened both ways. So really, I could window shop a little bit and try stuff on and maybe they would buy me something, but I never knew for sure. And really, I was a grown woman, no one needs to be buying me anything and I in no way should have expected it, but it was like this twisted game they would play. Also I just remembered one time we were at Coach and I fell in love with this cute smaller handbag that was black with blue stripes and a cute little off center blue bow. We absolutely could not afford it though, and my in-laws were off shopping and didn’t appear to be paying attention to us. I was not going to stoop so low as to ask for it, so I patted it fondly and put it back. We wandered around some more and then saw my in-laws checking out. My MIL was buying the same purse. Now to be fair, maybe she didn’t see me looking at it and maybe she just genuinely liked it. But after writing all this out I’ve started seeing everything in a very different light so I don’t know anymore. Either way, watching her leave the store with that purse stung. I actually looked for this purse online just now to show you guys a picture and I found someone selling it and I absolutely can afford it. I think I might buy it. I really don’t know how how to feel about being sucked into their way of thinking on brands. On one hand, I know there’s a difference in buying something just for the label and buying something because it is well made. My husband’s grandfather treated me to a couple of North Face jackets the summer after we were married and they’re still in perfect condition 6 years later despite how much I’ve worn them. (His grandfather is a sweet man who lives a very comfortable lifestyle and loves his family and just genuinely loves to treat people. It’s completely different to my in-laws.) But I’m conflicted about the other brands because it’s now something I have in common with my MIL. And I feel weirdly like I was being trained, or polished, like I wasn’t good enough before because I wasn’t in the same socio-economic class as them. Idk. I’m gonna get off the brand thing, and get back to our general life the first two years we were married. Life was fine, we were young and struggling, as was to be expected. My husband got laid off and had to find another job in his field, and he realized that in the small town we lived in there really weren’t that many. Then I became extremely ill with a few different things, a bad case of mono for one, and was fired from my job that also provided us with our nice apartment. So we moved into a very cheap, very scary apartment, and lived there for several months. Then my husband got laid off again. We were understandably discouraged so we decided to go down to visit our in-laws for the weekend. Mid weekend we get a call from our apartment manager, someone had reported water coming out our front door. Turns out they had used the wrong kind of connector on the dishwasher and the pipe had burst and flooded our apartment. We got ready to drive back and deal with the damage, and my in-laws offered to drive up to help. When we got there it was clear that there had been 12-24 inches or water, I don’t really remember but it was bad. The whole place smelled moldy, and several things had been ruined. And because our budget was really tight, we did not have renters insurance, the part ent complex didn’t require it. Never made that mistake again. Seeing the damage and how unlivable the apartment was (the manager had put down a couple fans but that was it) my husband approached me and suggested we use this as an opportunity to get a fresh start. He suggested we pack up and move in with his parents temporarily while we looked for an apartment and he looked for a job. I didn’t mind the idea of moving back to the city as I hated small town living, but even though his parents had been so nice to me it still made me uneasy. Plus it was a big decision to be making so quickly. But I honestly didn’t know what else we could do at that point so I agreed. I don’t know if that idea came from my husband or if my MIL suggested it to him first. So now we were no longer trying to clean up and assess the damage, we were packing. Packing quickly became purging. My husband came over and told me his dad had suggested we take the time as we packed to get rid of anything we didn’t really need. My cluttered craft bin was used as an example. Now I was really annoyed, but I could see the sense in parking down as we’d be going from an entire apartment to just one bedroom. So I got rid of things. What still upsets me to this day though are my books. I love books, always have, and I had three full bookshelves. Sadly, when we left for the weekend I had been in the middle of reorganizing my shelves and had several stacks or books on the floor. They were of course severely water damaged. For some reason I remember being rushed and I didn’t get to write down all the titles that I had to throw away that my husband PROMISED he would replace. I now only have three shelves of books, thankfully the most precious and most valuable survived, but the loss still makes me sad. My husband is a digital guy so he doesn’t really understand. He bought me a very nice Kindle a few years ago as a surprise, and he always says I should just buy books for the Kindle rather than paper copies. We had a really pretty piece of furniture what had been a gift, it needed to be refinished and the fabric wasn’t the prettiest so I had plans to reupholster it, but it was a solid loveseat with pretty woodwork. It wasn’t even really damaged from the water but it got tossed. So we packed up and moved down to my in-laws. What furniture we kept went into their garage, and we moved into my husbands childhood bedroom on the second floor. At least this was a temporary situation and my in-laws had been nothing but nice right? Nope. It was a solid year of hell.
I will not let someone sell you the price of white: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E08
Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges. Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats. The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.” Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95. Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white. Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode. Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes. Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman. The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed. Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble. Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away. Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa. “I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?” Jay: (Sounds of running.) Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring. The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror. “I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.” The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship. Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim. Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower. “I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!” “Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!” “Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.” “I’m done!” Ed squeals. “You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE. Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?” At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing. I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance. Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages. “I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.” “I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.” Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before. They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show? After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status. When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens. Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away. In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing. “I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy. Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons. Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top. “But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.” Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great? Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared. Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator: Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually. Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget. Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian. Translation: She said no. Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest. Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit. Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle. Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands. Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships? Thank you, Patreon supporters! To join: patreon.com/Fractalfay
I will not let someone sell you the price of white: Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E08
Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges. Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats. The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.” Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95. Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white. Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode. Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes. Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman. The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed. Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble. Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away. Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa. “I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?” Jay: (Sounds of running.) Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring. The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror. “I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.” The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship. Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim. Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower. “I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!” “Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!” “Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.” “I’m done!” Ed squeals. “You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE. Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?” At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing. I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance. Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages. “I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.” “I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.” Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before. They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show? After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status. When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens. Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away. In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing. “I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy. Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons. Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top. “But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.” Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great? Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared. Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator: Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually. Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget. Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian. Translation: She said no. Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest. Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit. Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle. Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands. Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships? Thank you, Patreon supporters!
[FS] [USA] Few Fire Pieces from Closet Cleanout! - Off-White Jordan 1 Chicago, Air Max 1 Anni. Blue, Kiko Kostadinov Irene Trousers, Stone Island Shorts, Supreme Yankee Snapback, XXXTentacion Revenge Hoodie, Stone Island Tees, Vlone Tees, Supreme SS18 Shoulder Bags, AWGE, Patagonia, and More! 🔥🔥🔥
Shipping everything Monday-Tuesday but you’ll get a tracking number on Monday! Venmo is prioritized but will take Paypal Gifted (I'm Vouched T1) and Bundle Deals are prioritized as well. Shipping depends on location but I’ll try to work with you on the costs. Tagged photos should be shown in each Imgur link below. Don’t forget to check the discounted section all the way at the bottom. Thanks & be safe yall!
Will Trade For: Gucci Planet Ring (Any Size), Anything Balenciaga Speedhunters (Fits Large), Off-White Converse that fit Size 8.5, Balenciaga Speed Runners Size 8.5, Any Loafers Size 8 (Preferably Gucci), Travis Scott x Off-White Hoodie Size Medium, or Nike x Fear of God Hoodie Size Medium
Patagonia White Logo Tee - Fits Medium - $10 - Super comfy and soft shirt. It doesn't have the correct tags but the logo is extremely durable and well made. Overall nice tee even though I urge everyone to own retail Patagonia as well, my retail down jacket has been the best clothing investment of my closet IMO - https://imgur.com/a/mfqtfog
VLONE Tee - Small (TTS) - $22 - Never Used. Material is softer than a normal Gildan tee and the text on the front feels durable. Tags look good and overall a very dope shirt. - https://imgur.com/a/xo5dTzh
AWGE or Nothing Red on White Tee - Large (Fits Medium) - $25 - Lightly used, shirt is in amazing condition and has the correct printed tags. Print on the front is vibrant and the blank is really soft and breathable for the upcoming hotter seasons. - https://imgur.com/a/OerM8hF
Guess Men’s Classic Triangle Logo Tee - XL (Fits Medium) - $14 - Not gonna lie, Youtuber Harrison Nevel put me on this tee when I saw it in a video a few months back (he a clown for leaking FR tho lmao). Sick design and the tee is pretty thick as well with a high-quality print on the front. - https://imgur.com/a/uP4McDT
ASSC Porsche Tee - XL (Fits Wide Small) - $15 - The only reason this fits a little weird is that I got it tailored for 10 bucks in order to shorten the length but the tailor-made it too short for my taste. If you’re a size small and like oversized shirts then this is definitely for you, here’s the measurements just in case: Length: 24.5 Inches / Width: 22.2 Inches. It also has really faint stain on the front but it’s most likely to come out with one wash. https://imgur.com/a/yvseIVM
WTAPS Logo Tee - Fits Medium - $25 - Another nice and extremely soft shirt but has a soft thickness to perfect for the weather right now. Size tags and wash tags seem on point and the tags and the front logo is extremely clean. - https://imgur.com/a/3mIyBMC
Navy Stone Island 3M Tee with Ribbed Collar - Large (Fits Small) - $25 - Nice quality shirt with an extremely soft blank. Tags and ribbing of the shirt are on point and this goes to show how good SI reps have gotten. - https://imgur.com/a/1epgm3c
Patagonia Yellow Logo Tee - Fits Medium - $13 - Same as the shirt above, super comfy and soft shirt. It does not have the correct tags but the logo is extremely durable and well made. Overall nice tee even though I urge everyone to own retail Patagonia as well, my retail down jacket has been the best clothing investment of my closet IMO. - https://imgur.com/a/spPwMwn
Kith x Champion Navy Tee - Small - $30 - Another piece from UK and this is a must cop from FR. It’s an extremely accurate and comfortable rep with very accurate embroidery of the logo on the front. Has correct placement of Champion logo on the sleeve and overall this is a well-made replica. - https://imgur.com/a/VBpnIS9
Bape Camo White Tee - XL (Fits Small) - $28 - Nice quality tee which is a bit on the thicker side which is great for the brisk spring days. It has a nice purple color in the camo and is definitely well made with accurate tags despite sizing and the correct sleeve tags as well. - https://imgur.com/a/ZwNxKxh
Tommy Jeans Sailing Gear Flag Crewneck - Fits Small - $30 - Identical to retail from the comfort to the embroidery. Retail goes for around $80 shipped so take this for a steal with similar quality as well! - https://imgur.com/a/80hm9qN
Kaws Jordan Shirt - Fits Small - $20 - Hella soft and comfy tee. Logo on the front looks perfect and identical to retail. No tags. - https://imgur.com/a/IPvoLsI
Variety of Stone Island Box Logo Tees Topstoney- Each (COLORS LEFT: Dark Grey(Small) - $25 -I have kept a few colors for myself such as Black and Light Green, but am looking to offload on these other colors. Each has been worn a few times and has minor blemishes but a simple wash can get them brand new. I’d say they all fit like smalls. - https://imgur.com/a/9mPJ1PR
Tommy Jeans New York City Tee - XL (Fits Medium) - $16 - Brand new with tags. I’m convinced that this piece is retail as the quality of the blank and print on the front are extremely accurate. The only thing that is off is the sizing. - https://imgur.com/a/lLlbONm
Pink Kith Bloom Flower Tee - Small - $25 - Beautiful looking shirt and design. Tags look on point to retail and this is a really highly regarded rep on FR and is definitely high quality. - https://imgur.com/a/APZqn4o
Pink Palace Tri-Ferg Tee - Fits Medium - $18 - Hella comfy shirt with a nice vibrant color. Logo on the front and back are well made, the only problem with the shirt is that it’s a bit softer than retail (better IMO) and incorrect tags. - https://imgur.com/a/QQiNbvz
Bape Milo Naruto Tee - Medium (Fits Small) - $30 - High quality rep off Tao with the correct wash and size tags. First off, the print on the front is extremely well made and similar to retail, not being too glossy as the budget batches are. Sleeve tags are on point and overall the blank is really comfortable making this a very nice rep. - https://imgur.com/a/Be8rYnj
Palace Palace Vertical Logo Tee - Medium (Fits Small) - $23 - Comfortable shirt with the correct printed tags similar to retail. Very unique design from the original Palace tees that have a tri-ferg and it’s a fresh tee IMO. - https://imgur.com/a/6tmwluB
Raf Simmons x Joy Division Flower Tee - Large (Fits Medium) - $36 - Huge grail piece from DesignerReps. Beautiful shirt but I have way too many flex white shirts so I want to sell this. Lightly used and has the correct logos on the sleeves, tags, and the print on the front is extremely well made. High tier replica of a grail piece. - https://imgur.com/a/VyDbNT0
Grey Palace Pink/Blue Logo Tee - Fits Medium - $16 - Simple shirt with a simple design. Blank is really soft and comfy, but tags have been cut off since it was bothering the back of my neck for the few times I wore it. - https://imgur.com/a/MwXAWdy
Noah Purple Floral Shirt - Large (Fits Medium) - $22 - Extremely soft blank with a very clean design. - https://imgur.com/a/5bkDO7J
The Great Wang of the Floggnaw Land - Medium - $25 - Used once, everything about the shirt is still perfect and the print on the front, back, and sleeves of the tee are very clean and vibrant. - https://imgur.com/a/GG1qHNO
2009 Supreme x WTAPS Eastern Conference Metal Militia - Extra Large - FOR TRADE - Really rare replica and only want to trade for a large. Brand new with tags and being a fan of sports I found this tee to be very interesting, especially the back. Doubt someone has a large but also willing to trade for a Gucci Planet ring. - https://imgur.com/a/2rUbh8u
CDG Red Heart on Black Tee Longsleeve - Small - $30 - Extremely well-made rep with an accurate looking heart. Eye’s look to be on point and the shape of the heart is extremely accurate to retail with a higher right side and jagged edges as well. - https://imgur.com/a/gUQEZrG
Guess x 88 Rising Head in the Clouds Triangle Tee - Fits Small - $25 - Nice and vibrant colors on this comfortable blank. Guess tags are on point and overall this is a well made tee. - https://imgur.com/a/XdPeA6d
Retail Urban Outfitters Bermuda Blue/White Long Sleeve - Small - $20 - Bought for 50 bucks even when I was into reps because the design was so dope and something that I’ve personally never seen before. Never wear anymore so looking to offload for a steal. - https://imgur.com/a/sTzB7Z9
Jackets and Hoodies:
Domicile Tokyo Yellow Hoodie (As seen on A$AP Rocky) - Fits Large - $38 - Pretty infamous hoodie that A$AP Rocky is known for wearing and ended up selling out retail wise. Want to keep it so bad but it’s too big, definitely fits a large. Hoodie is extremely comfortable and the front logo print looks pretty good to me. Size and wash tags are on point as well. - https://imgur.com/a/ajuTb3b
Palace Yanggang Pink/Blue Cotton Candy Windbreaker - Large (Fits Medium) - $45 - Nicely made rep with waterproof material on the outside. Compared to retail it looks spot on with the correct tags as well. - https://imgur.com/a/DunZYFA
Supreme x Champion Salmon Hoodie - Small - $45 - In perfect condition. The blank of the hoodie is extremely soft and thick while the colors and print are vibrant and well made. The tags look on point from the wash tags, size tags, and front tags used for the hoodie as well. - https://imgur.com/a/c4Akpc8
Stussy 3 Star Crewneck UnionKingdom - Large - $34 - I don’t use this term often but this is damn near 1:1. Quality of the crewneck is extremely soft and the stitching on the front is wellmade as well. Tags look identical to retail and overall I can’t tell the difference between this and retail which sells for - https://imgur.com/a/qxeEDon
Kith x Champion Crewneck Grey UnionKingdom - Medium (TTS)- $45 - Never used. One of the best cops from UK IMO, I have it in Navy which is the color I decided to keep as I have a lot of grey in my closet already. Crewneck is a nice thick and soft quality and overall this is a must cop on Fashionreps. - https://imgur.com/a/BuVxWsF
Tommy Hilfiger Denim Jacket LoveMedusa - Fits Small - For Trade - An extreme grailed piece, for those that don’t know LoveMedusa was an extremely shitty seller communication and shipping wise, but had some quality stuff when he shipped. They don’t sell this piece anymore but I’m looking to trade for any of the things I mentioned above. - https://imgur.com/a/ebKt2Wo
Fear of God Essentials Cream Hoodie Photo Back - Large - $45 - Also in perfect condition and has a nice feel to the blank. The logo on the front and back is wellmade and overall this is a pretty sick replica. - https://imgur.com/a/ZHpf1vh
Revenge XXXTentacion Hoodie - Medium - $55 - Pretty sure this is Flaneur’s batch and overall it’s hella warm inside due to some form of sherpa soft lining on the inside of the hoodie. Never worn that much personally and overall this is a nice quality hoodie. - https://imgur.com/a/DNmRSvj
Kith Nike Lebron Cloak Hoodie - Large (Fits Medium) - FOR TRADE - This piece has been a grail of mine for a while, but it’s time to part ways with it. Willing to trade it for any Balenciaga Speedhunter reps or any Reon reps as well. https://imgur.com/a/iAkEClU
Retail Claiborne Black Down Jacket - Fits Medium - $14 - Paid like 40 bucks for this from a Sears a while back. Has been worn a few times this winter and has kept me hella warm. Take this for an absolute steal. https://imgur.com/a/7WjIXJI
Shorts/Pants:
Kiko Kostadinov Irene Trousers - Small (Fits Waist Size 28-31) / Length 39 Inches - $60 - Extremely clean pair of trousers that costs over 75 dollars shipped from Tao. All aspects of these trousers are extremely on point, especially the iconic side zippers, buttons, and the wash/size tags. Quality is extremely nice on these and it has all the minimal details as well such as the pocket embroidery. Take this for a steal. - https://imgur.com/a/wJHYMdx
Gucci Japanese Denim Tiger Jeans Blue - Fits Waist Size 28-31 / Length 39.5 Inches - $50 - Off the bat, these are hella nice with the correct inner wash tags and back tag near the back waistline as well. These jeans scream quality and I would definitely be keeping them if they fit me. Everything from the embroidery to the back tiger logo looks good and these are extremely convincing of being retail. Length is around 39.5 inches. - https://imgur.com/a/CcsAxex
Stone Island Box Logo Shorts - 34 Adjustable (28-36) / Length 20.6 Inches - $40 - Back logo is extremely clean, on par with Topstoneys logos and the quality of these shorts are superb. Has an adjustment belt built into the shorts which is pretty cool and overall these are a nice and flex pair of shorts. - https://imgur.com/a/1j6XRhk
Thom Browne Grey Trousers - 2 (Fits Waist Size 30-34) - $45 - Length of these are 44 inches and these are extremely well made. Check photos for reference but everything about these seem spot on from the inner iconic red, white, and blue patterned Thom Browne print and the three stripes on the legs. - https://imgur.com/a/bF0tenw
Nike Dark Grey Techfleece Joggers - Fits Waist Size 28-30 / Length: 39 inches - $32 - Everything about these pants is on point from the tags to the drawstrings aside from being labeled the wrong size (These fit like a small-medium not an XL). Overall hella accurate and super comfy replica, must cop IMO. - https://imgur.com/a/gyeMf3O
Adidas Diamond Pattern Shorts - Fits Waist Size 28-32 (Adjustable Drawstrings / Length: 21 Inches - $13 - Clean and nice pair of shorts for the summer, especially with retail on these being like $35. Logo is cean and the print is nice and clean as well. - https://imgur.com/a/VwgIo77
Retail APC Blue Jeans - 31 - $45 - Hella nice and thick pair of jeans. If it doesn't sell on here I know I can get 70 for it on Grailed, so just want to offer it as a steal to anyone on here first. - https://imgur.com/a/WSfaD21
North Face Collab Shorts (Light Blue and Tan) - Small (Waist Size 28-30) - $25 - Brand New and Never Used from 0832 Club. These were hella expensive , but I fell in love with the color. These fit me a bit too slim so I’m selling but if you're a waist size 28ish to 30 you should be fine. - https://imgur.com/a/EIQeZLY
Bape Green Camo Shorts - Medium (Size 30) - $35 - Sick pair of shorts that is pretty thick as well. Tags look on point and the print of the shorts are also well made. https://imgur.com/a/uPDNWRc
Tommy Hilfiger White Swimming Trunks - Large (Fits Waist Size 28-32) - $23 - Nice and light for swimming or going to the beach. Has a sick design to it and overall great comfort.. - https://imgur.com/a/kX30pZO
Rick Owens Boxer Shorts Dude9 - Fits Waist Size 32 - $35 - Hella nice quality but too big for me. These are from Dude9 who has the best batch out at the moment. - https://imgur.com/a/JVPxDSQ
Vilebrequin White and Dark Blue Swimming Trunks - Medium (Waist Size 28-32) - $25 - Brand New and Never Used, Extremely Accurate with Branded Aglets and Correct Tags - https://imgur.com/a/d57kxrR
Pacsun Vintage Black Trousers - 28x30 - $14 - SLightly Used, paid around 35 bucks for these from Pacsun a few months back but have outgrown them. Fit like a normal pair of trousers and will look dope with any shoe - https://imgur.com/a/lNgVAcg
Accessories:
Supreme Uzi Necklace Pendant - OOS - $12 - Only selling if you cop something else with it since shipping it seperately will be kind of awkward. Nice and shiny still. I was looking at Grailed and I see it going for 1k lmao which I think is pretty crazy. All you need is a nice small chain and you can put this bad boy on it. - https://imgur.com/a/Ucihcfx
Versace Bracelet Black/Silver - Adjustable - $12 - Bought off this subreddit but I rarely use it. I forgot how much I bought it at like 15 bucks I think, so take for a discount. Quality is definitely there and overall it’s a nice flex piece. - https://imgur.com/a/QKfAp0e
Supreme Yankees Snapback - OOS (Adjustable) - $40 - Defintely costed me a lot, but there was no other option between this and some shitty budget batch. Again, I try to refrain from using the word 1:1 but compared to retail it’s extremely accurate hence the price tag. - https://imgur.com/a/ewaVrm9
Red Goyard Laptop Bag - 15.75in. x 11.125in. - $28 - Only selling if you cop something else with it since shipping it seperately will be kind of awkward. Canvas on this case is really nice and is definitely a step up from those cardholders IMO. I listed dimensions to see if it’ll fit your laptop, but it fit my 14inch Matebook X Pro with a lot of extra space just for context. - https://imgur.com/a/EpjIE1e
Vintage Patriots Retail NFL Beanie - OOS - $12 - Got this for 30 bucks a while ago but I rarely use it. Recommended for someone with a small head. - https://imgur.com/a/Wipdyc1
Calvin Klein Women’s White Bra - Small (29 Inches According to Tag) - $10 - Never used and looks/feels identical to retail. - https://imgur.com/a/larB9iJ
Blue Supreme SS18 Shoulder Bag Brand New w Tags - OOS - $30 - Brand new with tags. Overall this looks extremely close to retail which I’ve owned and quality wise I can’t tell the difference. Inner tags are correct and overall it’s a nice bag to hold some small items. - https://imgur.com/a/QrJvOeA
Black Supreme SS18 Shoulder Bag Brand New - OOS - $28 - Brand new. Overall this looks extremely close to retail which I’ve owned and quality wise I can’t tell the difference. Inner tags are correct and overall it’s a nice bag to hold some small items. - https://imgur.com/a/LXQOlnS
DSquared2 Brotherhood Canada Hat - Adjustable - $20 - Was just hanging from my wall and I decided to part ways with it. Distressing is on point and inner tags as well. Extremely accurate rep and sick design IMO. - https://imgur.com/a/gQgst52
Kith 1996 White Olympics Hat - Adjustable - FOR TRADE - Bought off Taobao and have never worn. Looking to trade for the green colored one so please let me PM me if you have it. - https://imgur.com/a/Xs2BlYz
Darcy Louis Vuitton Monogram iPhone X Case - OOS - $40 - Had a couple of cases from Nina, but they felt flimsy so I switched over to Darcy for her phone case and has been great. Texture of the case is nice and the quality in general is excellent. Only downside was that Darcy charges a bit more than Nina, but I saw it as worth it since it was for my phone. Used for less than two months. - https://imgur.com/a/m4uR0zn
Christian Dior iPhoneX Case - OOS - $45 - Brand new and never used. From Darcy along with the Louis Vuitton iPhone X Case and I was going to switch to this case as my main but ended up upgrading to the iPhone 11. - https://imgur.com/a/m4uR0zn
New Era Yankees 47 Black Hat - Adjustable - $10 - Bought from Lids for 30 bucks, don’t use as much. - https://imgur.com/a/QX3ouaG
Shoes:
Off-White Jordan 1 Chicago from Vicky - Size 11 - $85 - Initially these were 140ish shipped from Vicky. Brother does not want them anymore so take these for a steal. I only have the laces that are on these shoes so you will need to supply your own, but the price should be discounted enough to reflect that. I tried to include as clear photos as possible but these look pretty good to me. In amazing condition still as these were used around three times only. - https://imgur.com/a/84BXlvk
Air Max 1 Anniversary Royal - Size 8.5 - $55 - Best batch out, I know there are two versions, one where the toe box is extremely stretched back and makes the whole shoe look weird and then there's this one. Worn three times and as you can see in the photos I made sure to take care of them although I did step on something as seen on the bottom of the shoe. - https://imgur.com/a/c1vmP6T
Human Races NMD China Pack Peace (Blue) - Size 9.5 - $38 - IMO the best release that 158sir has come out with since it’s a perfect alternative to PK’s one which is around $110 bucks shipped. Quality is on point and the shoe is extremely comfortable. Used only once and is still in a factory laced setting. Only willing to sell if you bundle it with another item. - https://imgur.com/a/TUFHApQ
CDG x Converse White Low Tops - Size 9.5 - $32 - Well worn but still have a lot of life left. Cost of these shipping was like 70ish from Tao so take this for a good deal. - https://imgur.com/a/LmQl2VZ
Nike Element 87 Thunder Blue/Total Orange - Size 9.5 - $50 - Used twice but to it’s not my kinda shoe. Pretty sick and breathable design while the color is really eye popping IMO. I don’t have the original laces on the shoe but I discounted the cost if you want to buy replacement ones as well, or I can add some laces with these shoes if you want. - https://imgur.com/a/bI53Ovr
Undefeated Air Max 97 White Will’s Batch - Size 10 - $75 - Will’s batch whos the best at the moment and has been used a few times. Sells for 109 from the website so I want to list at 75 which I think is fair as it’s been used but is still in amazing condition. - https://imgur.com/a/HV3F7g2
Yeezy Powerphase OG - Size 8.5 (Fits 9) - $55 - Bought these at the same time I bought some Chicago’s off Will. Came with StockX tag and box which I discarded and these shoes have only been worn less than 5 times. - https://imgur.com/a/cOIbQHn
Revenge x Storm Plaid’s - Size 9.5 - $50 - Bought from the 60 dollar batch off Taobao which had more colors such as these Plaid ones and the velcro ones, and I saw multiple QC’s with pretty good bolt placements. Worn only a couple of times and overall it’s a beautiful shoe. - https://imgur.com/a/NQvQlvL
Air Max 1 Royal Blue from BM Lin - Size 9 - $25 - Used frequently as part of my rotation, but a quick cleanup and you can get these looking like brand new. - https://imgur.com/a/uP6LQns
Retail Jordan XX8 SE All-Stars - Size 9 - $35 - Used to hoop in but still have a lot of life left in them. Sick shoe that sells for around 200 dollars new so take this for a steal! - https://imgur.com/a/GGS2yCQ
Retail Kobe Bryant X Low Easter - Size: 10 - $30 - Used at the gym for a while, but stopped going as I’m in college. Saw someone selling Kobe reps for 100+ which I thought was outrageous and I’m trying to keep the price low and sell these to another hooper. Still has a lot of life left. - https://imgur.com/a/r5Lcvb3
Ultraboost ATR Glow in the Dark - Size: 9.5 (Fits 9) - $28 - Used frequently but a quick toss in the washer and you can defintely get these looking like brand new. - https://imgur.com/a/u3zZbGh
Retail Vans Red Checkered Old-Skools - Size 8.5 - $32 - Used for two months before I got into reps, Bought at 70 shipped so get it for a great deal. - https://imgur.com/a/Yy9dJ13
Retail UA Curry 2 USA - Size: 9.5 - $38 - Has been worth quite a bit at the gym hence the steal. Still has a lot of life left in them and overall is a quality pair of basketball shoes - https://imgur.com/a/fsyNswO
Retail Vans Checkered Lows (Black and Grey) - Size: 10.5 - $22 - Lightly used. Goes for 60 retail so take them for a steal. - https://imgur.com/a/QrCCHau
Discounted Items:
Item Name
Sizing
Condition:
Description:
Price:
Imgur:
Retail Hollister Grey Athletic Hoodie
Fits Medium
Condition: 10/10
Really dope athletic hoodie with a stretch but thick material. The inside is soft and this will definitely keep you warm during the winter. I paid 60 bucks for it retail so take it for a steal.
Used quite a bit during the summer. Made from UNHS who had the best batch afaik. Take this for 50 percent off due to the light pit stains that would probably come off with some bleach.
Hello! This is a guide to help you decide which plain white shirt best suits you. The 4 shirts analyzed are from Uniqlo, Everlane, Comfort Colors, and Kirkland. Now, you may be thinking “but aren’t all white T-shirts the same?” And for the most part, you’d be correct. However, there are some small, yet significant differences between the shirts that will be explored below. Each shirt is analyzed in different categories, and detailed photos are provided under the Sample Photos links. I recommend opening this spreadsheet which details the dimensions of each shirt on a separate monitor before reading (if available). Red does NOT equal bad. Colors simply represent the largest and smallest dimensions compared across shirts. Measurements were calculated This Way. Keep in mind that this review is influenced by my personal preferences (namely, what I deem reasonable to spend on a white shirt) and your experiences with these shirts may vary. That being said, let’s jump into the first shirt. Accompanying Music
EDIT: A VERY good and in-depth white T-Shirt review by David Shuck of Heddels. He covers many of the shirts recommended in the comments as well as the Hanes and Uniqlo here. Highly Recommend you give it a read.
The Uniqlo tee is very soft, and the feel of the shirt does not change with several washes.
Weight
This Uniqlo tee, along with the Everlane, are distinctly lighter and thinner than their competitors.
Washing/Shrinkage
I have experienced no noticeable shrinking or fading while washing the shirt.
Product Description:
A 100% Supima® cotton T-shirt thick enough to wear on its own or for layering.
The luxurious jersey material uses 100% Supima® cotton for a smooth feel, natural brightness, and beautiful colors.
A smooth silhouette from the bust down to the waist, with sleek shoulders and armholes.
A narrower seam fold and stitching for a more delicate neckline. With a flattering neckline.
The Uniqlo tee is a comfortable shirt that fits nicely on me. It might drape a little more of a thinner frame, but I wouldn’t be concerned about it. malefashionadvice 's favorite brand puts up an impressive contender for best white t-shirt. 4.4 stars out of 183 reviews Overall Score: 8/10
The shirt has a normal length, nothing special, similar measurements to Uniqlo.
Chest
The chest is tighter than the other shirts, but not overly so. I only really notice it when I'm reaching my arms forward or stretching them outward. Nipples are slightly more visible than Uniqlo & others.
Sleeves
The sleeves are significantly higher than Uniqlo, but only go down to roughly an inch above halfway down my bicep.
Measurements
Length (bottom to edge of collar, & Bottom to top of collar) (61.5cm, 71cm)
Sleeve Length (top of seam to end, & Bottom of Seam to end) (21cm, 6cm 2)
Width (Bottom Left Seam to Bottom Right Seam) (51cm, 51cm)
This shirt feels similar to the Uniqlo shirt but is slightly less soft.
Weight
Lightweight and thin cotton “100% combed cotton” in the product description.
Washing/Shrinkage
Same story, no noticeable shrinking or fading over multiple washes.
1 The Link to the shirt I bought was no longer available, so I linked a seemingly identical shirt on the Everlane site that offered a larger variety of colors. (but for $18 instead of 13-16 with the flexible pricing from Everlane) There are Heavy and Light versions of the shirt, retailing at $28 and $22 respectively. 2 The bottom of the sleeve wouldn’t flatten out all the way, so this measurement may be off by ± 1cm
Product Description:
Slim fit
Take your usual size
Size up if a looser fit is desired
100% combed cotton
Machine wash cold, tumble dry low
Made in Los Angeles, USA
“The classic pocket T-shirt. The fabric is mid-weight, durable cotton that gets softer over time.” The everlane cotton pocket tee most closely resembles Uniqlo, with a light, breathable fabric and a slightly tighter fit with shorter sleeves. Unfortunately, the cost is surprisingly high for a plain white shirt. I guess that's what you pay for "ethical" clothing. It has a pocket :) 4.66 stars out of 897 reviews Overall Score : 6/10
The Comfort Colors tee is significantly longer than the previous two shirts, but nowhere near as bad as Kirkland. When I wear it as an over-shirt there are usually a couple scrunches around the waistline.
Chest
There is plenty of room in the chest, allowing for unrestricted athletic arm movement.
Sleeves
The sleeves go down to about halfway down the bicep, but the width of the sleeve leaves about an inch or two draping down past the arm when typing, and protruding out while standing, creating a slightly large silhouette with pointed edges at the end of the sleeves.
Measurements
Length (bottom to edge of collar, & Bottom to top of collar) (65cm, 73cm)
Sleeve Length (top of seam to end, & Bottom of Seam to end) (19cm, 13cm)
Width (Bottom Left Seam to Bottom Right Seam) 52cm, 52cm
The comfort colors tee is softer than the Kirkland but thicker and more coarse by nature than it’s thin counterparts. However, neither the Comfort Colors nor Kirkland shirt are uncomfortable by any stretch of the imagination.
Weight
This shirt has some weight to it and is significantly thicker (heavier?) than the previous two shirts.
Product Description:
100% Cotton
Imported
Pull On closure
Machine Wash
Soft-washed garment-dyed fabric
Double-needle collar
Twill taped neck and shoulders
Single-needle left chest pocket with double-needle hem
Double-needle armhole, sleeve and bottom hems
The comfort colors pocket tee is a good shirt for those who desire a heavier shirt than the two shirts listed above. Oddly, there is no seam running down the shirt, but it has a useful utility pouchTMpocket. The length shouldn’t be an issue for people around 6’0’’, and is not a huge deal for those shorter in stature as well (as seen in the photos) ⅘ stars out of 50 reviews (warning: Amazon reviews are often faked, use fakespot to weed out disingenuous reviews. Overall Score: 7/10
SO LONG (Never heard that beforehahahahelpme ). When The Kirkland shirts first arrived I assumed the shipping had shipped an XL instead of a medium, but I soon realized these are more of an undershirt than the rest of the shirts, and the length is purposeful so you can tuck it in.
Chest
Kirkland offers mobility similar to everlane, not too tight but some stretch if you’re reaching for something
Sleeves
The sleeves rest at about halfway down the arm, no weird poofing out like CC.
Measurements
Length (bottom to edge of collar, & Bottom to top of collar) (66cm, 76cm)
Sleeve Length (top of seam to end, & Bottom of Seam to end) (21cm, 14cm)
Width (Bottom Left Seam to Bottom Right Seam) (50cm, 50cm)
While the Kirkland shirt is by no means soft, it’s not super scratchy either. No discomfort besides the tighter-than-average neckline that rides high on your neck.
Weight
Second only to CC, medium-heavyweight shirt.
Washing/Shrinkage
Luckily, the Kirkland shirt shrunk a little in the washer, making it more realistic to wear as an over-shirt. Keep in mind that the chest is slightly tighter, leaning more towards a tight silhouette rather than boxy.
VENDOR WARNING: While I thought I was buying directly from Kirkland, turns out it was repackaged, “Kirkland certified” t-shirts from “discount4ever”. There was only paper packaging, accompanied by a handwritten letter from a man in San Francisco thanking me for my purchase. There are a TON of weird third party vendors on Amazon. If you want to buy from Kirkland just buy directly through their site.
Color: White *Package: 3-Pack/ 6-Pack (Has been repacked for shipping purposes.)
Licensed Kirkland Signature T-Shirts, made of premium material, soft and comfortable.
The Kirkland shirt is dirt cheap and is intended to be worn as an undershirt. however, it can be worn as an overshirt too, just with wrinkles and folds around the waistline. No down-the-shirt seam from Kirkland either. The collar is a bit high and can scratch the neck slightly, but was acceptable after 1 or 2 washes. Overall Score: 6/10
Conclusion
PICTURES OF ALL 4 SHIRTS Link to spreadsheet of ALL shirt measurements Each shirt has its various pros and cons, and all are solid shirts with good build quality. The choice will most likely come down to preference of fit and budget, as while I tried to distinguish the shirts the best I could, at the end of the day a white shirt is a white shirt. If you don’t mind the creamy off-white tan? and thin material, then Uniqlo offers a great soft, well-fitting shirt that gives a slim silhouette(and also comes in a variety of colors!). Everlane offers a high-quality shirt, but at a premium cost. Everlane is very similar in fit and weight to the Uniqlo shirt, but is slightly tighter than Uniqlo. Comfort Colors offers a cheap, thicker shirt that fits more loosely than Everlane and Uniqlo, creating a boxy silhouette. Kirkland offers inexpensive shirts in bulk, but I had trouble finding a reliable supplier and the shirt’s length is odd. The collar is higher on the neck than the other shirts.
What do your measurements mean? All shirts were measured this way How did you keep track of all those WHITE SHIRTS? I used Sticky Notes Are you doing more shirts? I have another set comparing sizes of different brands and a set comparing the different variety of shirts Gildan offers. coming soonmaybe. Are you autistic? Shit man I’m probably a lil on the spectrum, never got tested. What Shirt should I get? Look at the Conclusion Why are the pictures out of focus? For Model 1 (my brother) I had the camera in manual focus and thought I focused it to the right length (obviously not). I was trying to go as fast as possible because he was getting bored of putting on 25 different shirts and rotating so I didn’t check the viewfinder for each picture. For my photos I used an intervalometer and tried my best to make sure every picture was in focus. Wait, you guys are brothers? But you look nothing alike! Genes man. Special thanks to u/MFA_Nay and the mod team for the feedback. Please feel free to leave any criticism and any potential improvements for further reviews in the comments below.
I didn’t wanna leave [Stanwyck High]( https://www.reddit.com/rhonnie14FanPage/comments/gb21i3/throwback_i_hosted_a_ouija_party/). Not my school. My friends. My life. My stepdad got a new job in Columbus, Georgia. The pay was great, the house amazing. So naturally my mom talked my younger brother Jimmy and I into the move. She had a new job as a middle school secretary already lined up as well. So neither of us had a choice really... Together, we all left the ol’ small town life behind. The move made easier in the days of Instagram and Facebook... but still I wasn’t happy. I’d still miss Messiah and Sher and the rest of our crew. In August, my family settled in. My career at Northside High School about ready to begin. In those days leading up to my funeral, I tried reaching out to anyone on SnapChat. Fuck, anyone on social media for that matter. But no one in the area responded. Neither did my mom and stepdad. Once we entered the Columbus, Georgia city limits, their demeanors changed. No longer did they show overt affection. Nor any empathy. Instead, they just stayed in their home offices. Leaving Jimmy and I in the clutches of our new city. Not that we had a bad house. A two-story brick home here on Silver Lake Drive. The stuff that American dreams are made of. The suburbs certainly an upgrade over the River Plaza Apartments back in Stanwyck. At seventeen, I could fend for myself. A rebel against the world. Too tough for anyone except my own confidence. Yeah, I was a pretty young Latina... Just scrawny. Behind the long black hair and glasses, I was a vulnerable soul. My smartass demeanor nothing but a weak defense mechanism. And now with mom and dad, things were different. Our dinner tables were quiet. Awkward. The tension thick... but neither of them seemed to notice. Or care. Soon, they took our cell phones away. The lame excuse safety rather than control. Either way, there went all my conversations with Sher and Messiah. My lone connection to the life I left behind. The one I missed... Aside from casual conversations with Jimmy, I had no one. No one but my pet guinea pig Oliver. He was all I had on those late summer nights... His cage was by my bed. His fuzzy fur and big eyes my only comfort amidst this dread-induced countdown. On the first day of school, mom and dad offered me no support. They didn’t even talk to me the night before. Nor day of... Like a soldier facing the battlefield, Jimmy and I stepped out the house that August morning. Made our way on to the shiny school bus. All the kids cowered in their seats. Not because I was ugly but different. So much different... I guess I picked a bad day to wear ripped jeans and tightass Freddy Krueger-colored hoodie. The bus driver paid no attention to the people laughing at us. Making fun of me. Not that he cared anyway. The only good thing about being an outcast was seat availability. Immediately, the odd man out of this Columbus clique squeezed next to two other boys. Me and Jimmy now had the back all to ourselves. Quite a quaint quarantine. During the drive, we were quiet. I pretended to listen to my earbuds and their steady stream of emo rock. Not that it helped… I couldn’t close my eyes. Couldn’t not see the occasional smirks and nasty glances from my “peers.” Regardless of my inner badass, I couldn’t help but be hurt. But through the pain, I squeezed Jimmy’s hand. Looked down at his glasses and spiked black hair. I was always there for him. Even when the entire town wasn’t. Northside High was a fucking maze. A two-floor prison. Only instead of barb wire we had bitchy administrators roaming the halls. Just to harass us rather than protect and serve. The school was pretty enough. Its patriotic pride obvious. There was a conglomeration of American flags. More stars than the galaxy. Even the mascot was a Patriot… Everything was so spotless and clean. The public school either got the lion’s share of taxes or took *serious* donations on the side. The grass outside was neat and trim. The furniture inside brand new. Hell, even the bathrooms were a palace… not to mention my personal hideaway during lunch. I stayed nervous the whole time... And everyone else smelled my fear. I did my best to ignore their smartass remarks. The teasing. The vicious smiles. But my teachers weren’t any better. They already had their favorites which was essentially everyone but me… This strange new girl. Apparently, there was also an unofficial school uniform. Only bright colors were accepted. Only name brand clothing. The students were ripe for Disney Channel. Their teachers for a JCPenney catalog. They were all pretty suburban caricatures… Every single one of them. And within two classes, I knew I was gonna be ostracized. Black, white, Hispanic. Whatever gender, it didn’t fucking matter. *No one* was wanting to talk to me. Yeah, they were from different races but not different style. Or different mind. The first day was a disaster. Hell, so was the first week. Mom and dad were around less. At home, I’d escape with Jimmy and Oliver. But things just got weirder. My parents hung out with the neighbors more than us. The Brooks family matched mom and dad’s penchant for fake laughter and wine. No longer did mom and dad feel authentic. Mom now wore her long black hair in a bun, my stepdad even ditched his goggle glasses. They got more conventionally attractive. Their style shifting from thrift to trends. Jimmy and I were left by the wayside. Together, we spent weeks playing the Xbox or with Oliver. Together in our island of isolation. Trying to keep each other sane. With no apps for validation, I was left an emotional mess. With the self-confidence of a lonely fucking grandma. School sucked, period. Everyone was so… mean. Conceited. Think the pretentious narcissism of an asshole professor combined with the harsh sadism of a beautiful bully. I heard them whisper “bitch” or “cunt” behind my back. Heard them judge my style. My glasses. For that matter, I saw no one else wearing glasses, nevermind unique clothing or hairstyles. Forget individualism. These assholes were *perfect*. The fucking teachers included. Even the older ones. The classes were nothing more than preppy propaganda. All anybody gave a damn about was making us pass the standardized tests. Only such preparation included bland explanations for everything from The Civil War to literary analysis. There was no creativity. No controversy. Not that my Goddamn classmates cared… In addition to the content, the teachers attempted to *refine* us. They “taught” us how to talk to neighbors and parents. How to be polite above all else. And how to “dress for success.” Everyone always looked over at me during those talks. A peer pressure that extended beyond the popular kids… all the way up to administration. Of course, my mom and stepdad weren’t there for support. If anything, mom turned from an idol to a Karenish bitch. The few times she talked to me were about how much Oliver stunk up the house… Nevermind the fact I bathed him every other day. Around September, Jimmy also became different. Like a Northside clone, he went the way of Hollister and Hilfiger. He lost the weight and glasses. Started straightening his hair. At twelve, he’d become yet another Columbus casualty. A perfect prep. Jimmy stopped talking to me. Instead, he joined mom and dad with the Brooks family. Mom started driving him to school while I still rode the bus. Alone. Me and Jimmy’s only interactions were exchanging disgusted looks. Now all I had was Oliver... A fucking guinea pig. Everything came to a halt in October. The library had closed its doors on me during lunch… So now I had to march on to territory I found simultaneously intimidating and repulsive: the school cafeteria. I knew I’d sit alone. Nevermind actually eating… the food sickened me anyway. Instead, I sat alone at my corner table. Far from this conformist crowd. Regardless of the cold fall weather, the school practiced climate control. The temp was warm and steady. Even in a room without windows. Most of the seats were taken except the ones near me. Several admins strutted around the middle of the room, feigning toughness as always. On the prowl out of pride rather than sympathy. For a few minutes, I enjoyed the observations. Especially from here. Now I really saw how the entire fucking school was the same both in dress and attitude. Of course, I couldn’t help but admire the beauty as well. From here, I had a great view of Mike and Kathleen making out in the corner. The school quarterback and cheerleader captain feeling all over each other. Both of them beyond fine. Their bubble butts and physiques equally impressive. Then again, their image was somehow common in this school. From out of nowhere, a redhead laid her hand on my shoulder. Leah Houston and her posse now stood before me. Together, they formed a collective glare. A sadistic spotlight shined right on me. “What are you doing in the cafeteria today?” Leah said. She motioned toward my face. “Bitch.” Her friends’ wicked laughter created a chorus. Now I saw others in the lunchroom looking at me. Smiles plastered across their attractive faces. I their sacrificial lamb for entertainment. For torture. Goddamn… no wonder I usually went to the library. “What? You mad, Michaella?” Leah teased. “Ugly bitch!” Now I saw even Mike and Kathleen watching. I heard a nasty laughter spread throughout the room. Sweat slid down my skin. My hands trembled. This executioner’s stage was for all to see… Leah made damn sure of it. And of course, those asshole admins didn’t care. Not when the abuse involved the girl they didn’t give a fuck about. “Why don’t you go back to the library with your uglyass?” Leah said. Her team kept chuckling. Their laughter knives further slicing into my sensitive skin. My tears didn’t matter to them. Nor my existence. My soul. I glared at Leah’s pretty, powdered face. “Trust me, I *want* to.” Sneering, Leah took an angry step toward me. “Oh, is that right?” I stood up. A hush then overtook the cafetera. The perfect teens watched in suspense. This perfect temperature getting hotter in this heat of the moment. Channeling the badass bitches I saw in rap videos, I looked Leah up and down. “Yeah. I’m not trying to catch your chlamydia, Karen.” Everyone hit a stunned silence. The admins stood frozen in fear. Leah’s friends mouths’ dropped in my drops mic moment. A red scare overtook Leah’s face. Her layers of make-up began to melt. I forced a smile. But still couldn’t stop trembling… simultaneously nervous and excited. With a battle cry, Leah pushed me back. “You ugly bitch!” That literally pushed me too far. The culmination of several shitty months collided with this high schooler’s agonizing angst. I retaliated and slugged that bitch in the face. The hard punch sent Leah to the floor. Her friends gasped but didn’t fight back… much like the rest of the school. I stood there, hand and head held high. A smile crossed my lips. So this was what confidence felt like? Immediately, the admins grabbed me. They hurried me straight to the principal’s office as Leah played victim. Chewing me out along the way to Mrs. Stevens. Not that I cared. The other kids stayed quiet and scared. Just how I wanted their lameasses to stay. Of course, Mrs. Stevens hit the bitch button quick. Trapped in her small office, I had no choice but to be beaten down by her glare and many sports trophies. Mrs. Stevens glowered. The cropped blonde hair unable to disguise those focused eyes. “You’ve been giving us trouble, Michaela.” I turned away. Still relishing my short-lived victory. “What we aim to do at Northside is to be respectful,” Mrs. Stevens went on. “To be *refined*. We’ve got test scores to maintain, Ms. Pallotti!” Smirking, I glared at her. “I can tell.” Mrs. Stevens slammed her fist on the desk. “So get with it, Pallotti!” she screamed. Fueled by disgust, she waved at me. At my skeleton blouse. “Act normal, be normal! This is what they test y’all on!” “What… What are you talking about?” Flashing a chilling smile, Mrs. Stevens leaned in closer. “I suggest you comply with what we expect at Northside, Ms. Pallotti. This is what the standardized testing’s for. To make you *refined*.” She sat back in her seat. The principal’s tall frame still towering over me. “We expect y’all all to be up to par.” Before I could cuss this bitch out, she shipped me to guidance. Straight to Ms. Kay’s office. Her room was smaller but more inviting. Ms. Kay kept framed portraits of both her family and beloved Florida State Seminoles. The bright decorations contrasted the school’s bland red, white, and blue decor. I now sat in front of Ms. Kay, dreading this diagnosis. Ms. Kay was chubby but pretty. Her curly hair strewn about along her broad shoulders. Her bright eyes even more noticeable over the pointed nose. Ms. Kay easily amongst the youngest on Northside’s faculty. “But they started it first!” I said. “But Michaella, that doesn’t matter,” Ms. Kay said in her elegant Southern tone. “You have to be *refined* like them. Like everybody else.” Sighing, I leaned back. Avoided all eye contact to languish in my defeat. “Look, I know it’s a struggle,” the counselor continued. “I know people can be mean because you’re different. You want to be yourself, I get that. So do I! But that’s just not the way it works here.” Memories flickered in my young mind. The times mom and dad took us to the beach. Those nights with Sher and Michaella. The bowling alley, the hot boys. “It’s tough, Michaella,” Ms. Kay said. “I know. But you only make it harder on yourself.” Everything had changed. In an elegiac epiphany, I traced the despair to the day we set sail for Northside High. Gone were my friends. My parents. My whole family for that matter. I was all alone. Tears slid down my face. No longer could I fake the strength. The toughness. No amount of style and sarcasm could stifle raw emotion. “Michaella,” said Ms. Kay. “Michaella, honey.” Now I was full on sobbing. Trembling in tears. Concerned, Ms. Kay stood up. “It’s gonna be okay.” She knelt down beside me. “I promise, Michaella.” She grabbed my hand in a reassuring grip. “It will be. The problem isn’t you, I’m not blaming you.” I confronted her soulful eyes. Spellbound to my seat. I started to stop weeping. Relieved to see this rare sight out of her or anyone out here: sympathy. “It’s just that those scores matter,” Ms. Kay said. She squeezed my hand tighter. Simultaneously supportive and cryptic. “We have no choice at Northside High, Michaella. You have to realize that.” “No,” I struggled to say. “It’s not right… Why’s everyone like this…” Still clinging to my hand, Ms. Kay moved closer. Inches away from my face. “It’s *our* way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. This testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I stared at Ms. Kay in silence. The glasses no chance at blocking out her hypnotic power. “The good behavior matters to us,” Ms. Kay went on. “The *refined* behavior. It’ll only help you in the long run.” I nodded. Like a persuasive preacher, she pulled me in closer toward her. A steady, stern pull. “It’s for your own good,” she said. Her gentle fingers caressed my face. Her eye contact unwavering. “Just trust me, Michaella.” I gave in. Surrendering my soul to Ms. Kay. To the school. “Yes ma’am…” “Now.” In a smooth motion, Ms. Kay slid the glasses off my face. The blurriness was only be brief. Especially here at Northside. Flashing a grin, Ms. Kay ran a hand through my long hair. “I’ve got just the thing for you.” She rubbed my cheek. “Just the thing.” I went home early that day. Without the glasses and dressed in the Abercrombie shirt and jeans Ms. Kay kept in her room. My hair now in a flowing ponytail. An enlightenment entered me. I felt the All-American awakening. No longer would I wear those edgy clothes. I wouldn’t need glasses with these blue contacts now. More make-up would only make me more prettier. I was gonna ace those standardized tests. Make Northside pride. I right then and there became *refined*. My mom and stepdad were understandably upset. I had disappointed them, after all. I’d disappointed everyone. There was no need to be a rebel without a cause. To be unhappy. Instead of making others miserable, I needed to be pretty and friendly. Be more social. Be a Patriot too. So I didn’t talk back. Instead, I accepted the Hollister and Abercrombie my mom and dad bought me. The wardrobe they’d always had waiting on me. For punishment, mom got rid of Oliver. I didn’t ask where she took him. I didn’t flinch or shed a tear. Or say goodbye. Being *refined* meant never showing weakness. Just sparkling smiles and joy. No show of sadness. Finally, I’d been cured. Now mom started driving me to school. Now her and dad were nice. Our family dinners actually involved small talk. Laughter. Nothing too deep or personal, of course. During a wing Wednesday, my mom even talked me into joining FFA. Dad got me on the girls’ soccer team. Jimmy was already in both baseball and SGA, after all. Over the next few weeks, I got more involved at Northside. Who knew wearing trendy brands and ditching glasses made you so much more attractive in high school? I was greeted by smiles rather than smirks. My classmates now compelled instead of repulsed. They found me hot. Interesting. *Refined*. I was so admired Leah even surrendered to my allure. By early November, I was in Mike and Kathleen’s gorgeous clique. At the top of the Northside totem pole. My grades improved. The fucking teachers welcomed me with open arms. And somehow, lunch became my favorite part of the day. Then today came the best part: I finally got a boyfriend. Through the sea of attractive suitors, I landed Corey Harrison. He was my age but taller. Richer. A real cutie with smooth brown skin and short black hair. That perfect Patriot smile. He was gonna be a future NFL wide receiver. And along with the chiseled body, he was perfect for my high school hook-ups... After class, I headed out toward the parking lot. Where Henry and his Camaro were waiting to take me away. Slowed down by constant “heys” and “what’s up, Michaellas,” I made my way down the hall. Standing in her office doorway, Ms. Kay waved at me. The flawless pant suit fit her perfectly. “Have a good day, Michaella!” she beamed. We exchanged smiles. “You too!” I said. Then Ms. Kay gave me a sly wink. I kept going. But her wink stayed with me… Ms. Kay was my savior, man. Without her, I wouldn’t have made it. Wouldn’t have been *refined*. After all this time, I still didn’t know what *really* happened to mom and dad. Or Jimmy. What made them change. Who or what molded them into this Northside status quo. And maybe I didn’t wanna know... The transformation never hit me. Just like it never hit Ms. Kay. “You have to be *refined* like them,” I remembered Ms. Kay telling me the day I was in her office. “Like everybody else.” She wasn’t giving me advice but a warning. Tips on how to blend into this horrifying high school. How to survive. Ms. Kay gave me those clothes. The contacts. After all, she’d been “performing” perfection for years now. I’d learned from the best. Plus, I liked to think there was optimism. With graduation just a few months away, I had an escape. Then I’d be free from the suburbs and school… free from my family. But then like a haunting cry in the night, I remembered what else Ms. Kay said: “It’s *our* way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. The testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I remembered how Ms. Kay would only stay silent or stare blankly when I mentioned how I couldn’t wait to go to college. How I couldn’t wait to escape the “testing.” The pretty, perfect Patriots. In Northside’s comfortable climate, I caught a chill. Several preppy seniors flashed me weird looks. An admin hurled a scowl at me. I stopped and turned. Ms. Kay still stood there in the doorway. Still watching me. Fear was in her eyes. A subtle crack through her conformist costume. My sub: (https://www.reddit.com/rhonnie14FanPage/)
I didn’t wanna leave [Stanwyck High]( https://www.reddit.com/rhonnie14FanPage/comments/gb21i3/throwback_i_hosted_a_ouija_party/). Not my school. My friends. My life. My stepdad got a new job in Columbus, Georgia. The pay was great, the house amazing. So naturally my mom talked my younger brother Jimmy and I into the move. She had a new job as a middle school secretary already lined up as well. So neither of us had a choice really... Together, we all left the ol’ small town life behind. The move made easier in the days of Instagram and Facebook... but still I wasn’t happy. I’d still miss Messiah and Sher and the rest of our crew. In August, my family settled in. My career at Northside High School about ready to begin. In those days leading up to my funeral, I tried reaching out to anyone on SnapChat. Fuck, anyone on social media for that matter. But no one in the area responded. Neither did my mom and stepdad. Once we entered the Columbus, Georgia city limits, their demeanors changed. No longer did they show overt affection. Nor any empathy. Instead, they just stayed in their home offices. Leaving Jimmy and I in the clutches of our new city. Not that we had a bad house. A two-story brick home here on Silver Lake Drive. The stuff that American dreams are made of. The suburbs certainly an upgrade over the River Plaza Apartments back in Stanwyck. At seventeen, I could fend for myself. A rebel against the world. Too tough for anyone except my own confidence. Yeah, I was a pretty young Latina... Just scrawny. Behind the long black hair and glasses, I was a vulnerable soul. My smartass demeanor nothing but a weak defense mechanism. And now with mom and dad, things were different. Our dinner tables were quiet. Awkward. The tension thick... but neither of them seemed to notice. Or care. Soon, they took our cell phones away. The lame excuse safety rather than control. Either way, there went all my conversations with Sher and Messiah. My lone connection to the life I left behind. The one I missed... Aside from casual conversations with Jimmy, I had no one. No one but my pet guinea pig Oliver. He was all I had on those late summer nights... His cage was by my bed. His fuzzy fur and big eyes my only comfort amidst this dread-induced countdown. On the first day of school, mom and dad offered me no support. They didn’t even talk to me the night before. Nor day of... Like a soldier facing the battlefield, Jimmy and I stepped out the house that August morning. Made our way on to the shiny school bus. All the kids cowered in their seats. Not because I was ugly but different. So much different... I guess I picked a bad day to wear ripped jeans and tightass Freddy Krueger-colored hoodie. The bus driver paid no attention to the people laughing at us. Making fun of me. Not that he cared anyway. The only good thing about being an outcast was seat availability. Immediately, the odd man out of this Columbus clique squeezed next to two other boys. Me and Jimmy now had the back all to ourselves. Quite a quaint quarantine. During the drive, we were quiet. I pretended to listen to my earbuds and their steady stream of emo rock. Not that it helped… I couldn’t close my eyes. Couldn’t not see the occasional smirks and nasty glances from my “peers.” Regardless of my inner badass, I couldn’t help but be hurt. But through the pain, I squeezed Jimmy’s hand. Looked down at his glasses and spiked black hair. I was always there for him. Even when the entire town wasn’t. Northside High was a fucking maze. A two-floor prison. Only instead of barb wire we had bitchy administrators roaming the halls. Just to harass us rather than protect and serve. The school was pretty enough. Its patriotic pride obvious. There was a conglomeration of American flags. More stars than the galaxy. Even the mascot was a Patriot… Everything was so spotless and clean. The public school either got the lion’s share of taxes or took *serious* donations on the side. The grass outside was neat and trim. The furniture inside brand new. Hell, even the bathrooms were a palace… not to mention my personal hideaway during lunch. I stayed nervous the whole time... And everyone else smelled my fear. I did my best to ignore their smartass remarks. The teasing. The vicious smiles. But my teachers weren’t any better. They already had their favorites which was essentially everyone but me… This strange new girl. Apparently, there was also an unofficial school uniform. Only bright colors were accepted. Only name brand clothing. The students were ripe for Disney Channel. Their teachers for a JCPenney catalog. They were all pretty suburban caricatures… Every single one of them. And within two classes, I knew I was gonna be ostracized. Black, white, Hispanic. Whatever gender, it didn’t fucking matter. *No one* was wanting to talk to me. Yeah, they were from different races but not different style. Or different mind. The first day was a disaster. Hell, so was the first week. Mom and dad were around less. At home, I’d escape with Jimmy and Oliver. But things just got weirder. My parents hung out with the neighbors more than us. The Brooks family matched mom and dad’s penchant for fake laughter and wine. No longer did mom and dad feel authentic. Mom now wore her long black hair in a bun, my stepdad even ditched his goggle glasses. They got more conventionally attractive. Their style shifting from thrift to trends. Jimmy and I were left by the wayside. Together, we spent weeks playing the Xbox or with Oliver. Together in our island of isolation. Trying to keep each other sane. With no apps for validation, I was left an emotional mess. With the self-confidence of a lonely fucking grandma. School sucked, period. Everyone was so… mean. Conceited. Think the pretentious narcissism of an asshole professor combined with the harsh sadism of a beautiful bully. I heard them whisper “bitch” or “cunt” behind my back. Heard them judge my style. My glasses. For that matter, I saw no one else wearing glasses, nevermind unique clothing or hairstyles. Forget individualism. These assholes were *perfect*. The fucking teachers included. Even the older ones. The classes were nothing more than preppy propaganda. All anybody gave a damn about was making us pass the standardized tests. Only such preparation included bland explanations for everything from The Civil War to literary analysis. There was no creativity. No controversy. Not that my Goddamn classmates cared… In addition to the content, the teachers attempted to *refine* us. They “taught” us how to talk to neighbors and parents. How to be polite above all else. And how to “dress for success.” Everyone always looked over at me during those talks. A peer pressure that extended beyond the popular kids… all the way up to administration. Of course, my mom and stepdad weren’t there for support. If anything, mom turned from an idol to a Karenish bitch. The few times she talked to me were about how much Oliver stunk up the house… Nevermind the fact I bathed him every other day. Around September, Jimmy also became different. Like a Northside clone, he went the way of Hollister and Hilfiger. He lost the weight and glasses. Started straightening his hair. At twelve, he’d become yet another Columbus casualty. A perfect prep. Jimmy stopped talking to me. Instead, he joined mom and dad with the Brooks family. Mom started driving him to school while I still rode the bus. Alone. Me and Jimmy’s only interactions were exchanging disgusted looks. Now all I had was Oliver... A fucking guinea pig. Everything came to a halt in October. The library had closed its doors on me during lunch… So now I had to march on to territory I found simultaneously intimidating and repulsive: the school cafeteria. I knew I’d sit alone. Nevermind actually eating… the food sickened me anyway. Instead, I sat alone at my corner table. Far from this conformist crowd. Regardless of the cold fall weather, the school practiced climate control. The temp was warm and steady. Even in a room without windows. Most of the seats were taken except the ones near me. Several admins strutted around the middle of the room, feigning toughness as always. On the prowl out of pride rather than sympathy. For a few minutes, I enjoyed the observations. Especially from here. Now I really saw how the entire fucking school was the same both in dress and attitude. Of course, I couldn’t help but admire the beauty as well. From here, I had a great view of Mike and Kathleen making out in the corner. The school quarterback and cheerleader captain feeling all over each other. Both of them beyond fine. Their bubble butts and physiques equally impressive. Then again, their image was somehow common in this school. From out of nowhere, a redhead laid her hand on my shoulder. Leah Houston and her posse now stood before me. Together, they formed a collective glare. A sadistic spotlight shined right on me. “What are you doing in the cafeteria today?” Leah said. She motioned toward my face. “Bitch.” Her friends’ wicked laughter created a chorus. Now I saw others in the lunchroom looking at me. Smiles plastered across their attractive faces. I their sacrificial lamb for entertainment. For torture. Goddamn… no wonder I usually went to the library. “What? You mad, Michaella?” Leah teased. “Ugly bitch!” Now I saw even Mike and Kathleen watching. I heard a nasty laughter spread throughout the room. Sweat slid down my skin. My hands trembled. This executioner’s stage was for all to see… Leah made damn sure of it. And of course, those asshole admins didn’t care. Not when the abuse involved the girl they didn’t give a fuck about. “Why don’t you go back to the library with your uglyass?” Leah said. Her team kept chuckling. Their laughter knives further slicing into my sensitive skin. My tears didn’t matter to them. Nor my existence. My soul. I glared at Leah’s pretty, powdered face. “Trust me, I *want* to.” Sneering, Leah took an angry step toward me. “Oh, is that right?” I stood up. A hush then overtook the cafetera. The perfect teens watched in suspense. This perfect temperature getting hotter in this heat of the moment. Channeling the badass bitches I saw in rap videos, I looked Leah up and down. “Yeah. I’m not trying to catch your chlamydia, Karen.” Everyone hit a stunned silence. The admins stood frozen in fear. Leah’s friends mouths’ dropped in my drops mic moment. A red scare overtook Leah’s face. Her layers of make-up began to melt. I forced a smile. But still couldn’t stop trembling… simultaneously nervous and excited. With a battle cry, Leah pushed me back. “You ugly bitch!” That literally pushed me too far. The culmination of several shitty months collided with this high schooler’s agonizing angst. I retaliated and slugged that bitch in the face. The hard punch sent Leah to the floor. Her friends gasped but didn’t fight back… much like the rest of the school. I stood there, hand and head held high. A smile crossed my lips. So this was what confidence felt like? Immediately, the admins grabbed me. They hurried me straight to the principal’s office as Leah played victim. Chewing me out along the way to Mrs. Stevens. Not that I cared. The other kids stayed quiet and scared. Just how I wanted their lameasses to stay. Of course, Mrs. Stevens hit the bitch button quick. Trapped in her small office, I had no choice but to be beaten down by her glare and many sports trophies. Mrs. Stevens glowered. The cropped blonde hair unable to disguise those focused eyes. “You’ve been giving us trouble, Michaela.” I turned away. Still relishing my short-lived victory. “What we aim to do at Northside is to be respectful,” Mrs. Stevens went on. “To be *refined*. We’ve got test scores to maintain, Ms. Pallotti!” Smirking, I glared at her. “I can tell.” Mrs. Stevens slammed her fist on the desk. “So get with it, Pallotti!” she screamed. Fueled by disgust, she waved at me. At my skeleton blouse. “Act normal, be normal! This is what they test y’all on!” “What… What are you talking about?” Flashing a chilling smile, Mrs. Stevens leaned in closer. “I suggest you comply with what we expect at Northside, Ms. Pallotti. This is what the standardized testing’s for. To make you *refined*.” She sat back in her seat. The principal’s tall frame still towering over me. “We expect y’all all to be up to par.” Before I could cuss this bitch out, she shipped me to guidance. Straight to Ms. Kay’s office. Her room was smaller but more inviting. Ms. Kay kept framed portraits of both her family and beloved Florida State Seminoles. The bright decorations contrasted the school’s bland red, white, and blue decor. I now sat in front of Ms. Kay, dreading this diagnosis. Ms. Kay was chubby but pretty. Her curly hair strewn about along her broad shoulders. Her bright eyes even more noticeable over the pointed nose. Ms. Kay easily amongst the youngest on Northside’s faculty. “But they started it first!” I said. “But Michaella, that doesn’t matter,” Ms. Kay said in her elegant Southern tone. “You have to be *refined* like them. Like everybody else.” Sighing, I leaned back. Avoided all eye contact to languish in my defeat. “Look, I know it’s a struggle,” the counselor continued. “I know people can be mean because you’re different. You want to be yourself, I get that. So do I! But that’s just not the way it works here.” Memories flickered in my young mind. The times mom and dad took us to the beach. Those nights with Sher and Michaella. The bowling alley, the hot boys. “It’s tough, Michaella,” Ms. Kay said. “I know. But you only make it harder on yourself.” Everything had changed. In an elegiac epiphany, I traced the despair to the day we set sail for Northside High. Gone were my friends. My parents. My whole family for that matter. I was all alone. Tears slid down my face. No longer could I fake the strength. The toughness. No amount of style and sarcasm could stifle raw emotion. “Michaella,” said Ms. Kay. “Michaella, honey.” Now I was full on sobbing. Trembling in tears. Concerned, Ms. Kay stood up. “It’s gonna be okay.” She knelt down beside me. “I promise, Michaella.” She grabbed my hand in a reassuring grip. “It will be. The problem isn’t you, I’m not blaming you.” I confronted her soulful eyes. Spellbound to my seat. I started to stop weeping. Relieved to see this rare sight out of her or anyone out here: sympathy. “It’s just that those scores matter,” Ms. Kay said. She squeezed my hand tighter. Simultaneously supportive and cryptic. “We have no choice at Northside High, Michaella. You have to realize that.” “No,” I struggled to say. “It’s not right… Why’s everyone like this…” Still clinging to my hand, Ms. Kay moved closer. Inches away from my face. “It’s *our* way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. This testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I stared at Ms. Kay in silence. The glasses no chance at blocking out her hypnotic power. “The good behavior matters to us,” Ms. Kay went on. “The *refined* behavior. It’ll only help you in the long run.” I nodded. Like a persuasive preacher, she pulled me in closer toward her. A steady, stern pull. “It’s for your own good,” she said. Her gentle fingers caressed my face. Her eye contact unwavering. “Just trust me, Michaella.” I gave in. Surrendering my soul to Ms. Kay. To the school. “Yes ma’am…” “Now.” In a smooth motion, Ms. Kay slid the glasses off my face. The blurriness was only be brief. Especially here at Northside. Flashing a grin, Ms. Kay ran a hand through my long hair. “I’ve got just the thing for you.” She rubbed my cheek. “Just the thing.” I went home early that day. Without the glasses and dressed in the Abercrombie shirt and jeans Ms. Kay kept in her room. My hair now in a flowing ponytail. An enlightenment entered me. I felt the All-American awakening. No longer would I wear those edgy clothes. I wouldn’t need glasses with these blue contacts now. More make-up would only make me more prettier. I was gonna ace those standardized tests. Make Northside pride. I right then and there became *refined*. My mom and stepdad were understandably upset. I had disappointed them, after all. I’d disappointed everyone. There was no need to be a rebel without a cause. To be unhappy. Instead of making others miserable, I needed to be pretty and friendly. Be more social. Be a Patriot too. So I didn’t talk back. Instead, I accepted the Hollister and Abercrombie my mom and dad bought me. The wardrobe they’d always had waiting on me. For punishment, mom got rid of Oliver. I didn’t ask where she took him. I didn’t flinch or shed a tear. Or say goodbye. Being *refined* meant never showing weakness. Just sparkling smiles and joy. No show of sadness. Finally, I’d been cured. Now mom started driving me to school. Now her and dad were nice. Our family dinners actually involved small talk. Laughter. Nothing too deep or personal, of course. During a wing Wednesday, my mom even talked me into joining FFA. Dad got me on the girls’ soccer team. Jimmy was already in both baseball and SGA, after all. Over the next few weeks, I got more involved at Northside. Who knew wearing trendy brands and ditching glasses made you so much more attractive in high school? I was greeted by smiles rather than smirks. My classmates now compelled instead of repulsed. They found me hot. Interesting. *Refined*. I was so admired Leah even surrendered to my allure. By early November, I was in Mike and Kathleen’s gorgeous clique. At the top of the Northside totem pole. My grades improved. The fucking teachers welcomed me with open arms. And somehow, lunch became my favorite part of the day. Then today came the best part: I finally got a boyfriend. Through the sea of attractive suitors, I landed Corey Harrison. He was my age but taller. Richer. A real cutie with smooth brown skin and short black hair. That perfect Patriot smile. He was gonna be a future NFL wide receiver. And along with the chiseled body, he was perfect for my high school hook-ups... After class, I headed out toward the parking lot. Where Henry and his Camaro were waiting to take me away. Slowed down by constant “heys” and “what’s up, Michaellas,” I made my way down the hall. Standing in her office doorway, Ms. Kay waved at me. The flawless pant suit fit her perfectly. “Have a good day, Michaella!” she beamed. We exchanged smiles. “You too!” I said. Then Ms. Kay gave me a sly wink. I kept going. But her wink stayed with me… Ms. Kay was my savior, man. Without her, I wouldn’t have made it. Wouldn’t have been *refined*. After all this time, I still didn’t know what *really* happened to mom and dad. Or Jimmy. What made them change. Who or what molded them into this Northside status quo. And maybe I didn’t wanna know... The transformation never hit me. Just like it never hit Ms. Kay. “You have to be *refined* like them,” I remembered Ms. Kay telling me the day I was in her office. “Like everybody else.” She wasn’t giving me advice but a warning. Tips on how to blend into this horrifying high school. How to survive. Ms. Kay gave me those clothes. The contacts. After all, she’d been “performing” perfection for years now. I’d learned from the best. Plus, I liked to think there was optimism. With graduation just a few months away, I had an escape. Then I’d be free from the suburbs and school… free from my family. But then like a haunting cry in the night, I remembered what else Ms. Kay said: “It’s *our* way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. The testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I remembered how Ms. Kay would only stay silent or stare blankly when I mentioned how I couldn’t wait to go to college. How I couldn’t wait to escape the “testing.” The pretty, perfect Patriots. In Northside’s comfortable climate, I caught a chill. Several preppy seniors flashed me weird looks. An admin hurled a scowl at me. I stopped and turned. Ms. Kay still stood there in the doorway. Still watching me. Fear was in her eyes. A subtle crack through her conformist costume. My sub: (https://www.reddit.com/rhonnie14FanPage/)
I didn’t wanna leave Stanwyck High. Not my school. My friends. My life. My stepdad got a new job in Columbus, Georgia. The pay was great, the house amazing. So naturally my mom talked my younger brother Jimmy and I into the move. She had a new job as a middle school secretary already lined up as well. So neither of us had a choice really... Together, we all left the ol’ small town life behind. The move made easier in the days of Instagram and Facebook... but still I wasn’t happy. I’d still miss Messiah and Sher and the rest of our crew. In August, my family settled in. My career at Northside High School about ready to begin. In those days leading up to my funeral, I tried reaching out to anyone on SnapChat. Fuck, anyone on social media for that matter. But no one in the area responded. Neither did my mom and stepdad. Once we entered the Columbus, Georgia city limits, their demeanors changed. No longer did they show overt affection. Nor any empathy. Instead, they just stayed in their home offices. Leaving Jimmy and I in the clutches of our new city. Not that we had a bad house. A two-story brick home here on Silver Lake Drive. The stuff that American dreams are made of. The suburbs certainly an upgrade over the River Plaza Apartments back in Stanwyck. At seventeen, I could fend for myself. A rebel against the world. Too tough for anyone except my own confidence. Yeah, I was a pretty young Latina... Just scrawny. Behind the long black hair and glasses, I was a vulnerable soul. My smartass demeanor nothing but a weak defense mechanism. And now with mom and dad, things were different. Our dinner tables were quiet. Awkward. The tension thick... but neither of them seemed to notice. Or care. Soon, they took our cell phones away. The lame excuse safety rather than control. Either way, there went all my conversations with Sher and Messiah. My lone connection to the life I left behind. The one I missed... Aside from casual conversations with Jimmy, I had no one. No one but my pet guinea pig Oliver. He was all I had on those late summer nights... His cage was by my bed. His fuzzy fur and big eyes my only comfort amidst this dread-induced countdown. On the first day of school, mom and dad offered me no support. They didn’t even talk to me the night before. Nor day of... Like a soldier facing the battlefield, Jimmy and I stepped out the house that August morning. Made our way on to the shiny school bus. All the kids cowered in their seats. Not because I was ugly but different. So much different... I guess I picked a bad day to wear ripped jeans and tightass Freddy Krueger-colored hoodie. The bus driver paid no attention to the people laughing at us. Making fun of me. Not that he cared anyway. The only good thing about being an outcast was seat availability. Immediately, the odd man out of this Columbus clique squeezed next to two other boys. Me and Jimmy now had the back all to ourselves. Quite a quaint quarantine. During the drive, we were quiet. I pretended to listen to my earbuds and their steady stream of emo rock. Not that it helped… I couldn’t close my eyes. Couldn’t not see the occasional smirks and nasty glances from my “peers.” Regardless of my inner badass, I couldn’t help but be hurt. But through the pain, I squeezed Jimmy’s hand. Looked down at his glasses and spiked black hair. I was always there for him. Even when the entire town wasn’t. Northside High was a fucking maze. A two-floor prison. Only instead of barb wire we had bitchy administrators roaming the halls. Just to harass us rather than protect and serve. The school was pretty enough. Its patriotic pride obvious. There was a conglomeration of American flags. More stars than the galaxy. Even the mascot was a Patriot… Everything was so spotless and clean. The public school either got the lion’s share of taxes or took serious donations on the side. The grass outside was neat and trim. The furniture inside brand new. Hell, even the bathrooms were a palace… not to mention my personal hideaway during lunch. I stayed nervous the whole time... And everyone else smelled my fear. I did my best to ignore their smartass remarks. The teasing. The vicious smiles. But my teachers weren’t any better. They already had their favorites which was essentially everyone but me… This strange new girl. Apparently, there was also an unofficial school uniform. Only bright colors were accepted. Only name brand clothing. The students were ripe for Disney Channel. Their teachers for a JCPenney catalog. They were all pretty suburban caricatures… Every single one of them. And within two classes, I knew I was gonna be ostracized. Black, white, Hispanic. Whatever gender, it didn’t fucking matter. No one was wanting to talk to me. Yeah, they were from different races but not different style. Or different mind. The first day was a disaster. Hell, so was the first week. Mom and dad were around less. At home, I’d escape with Jimmy and Oliver. But things just got weirder. My parents hung out with the neighbors more than us. The Brooks family matched mom and dad’s penchant for fake laughter and wine. No longer did mom and dad feel authentic. Mom now wore her long black hair in a bun, my stepdad even ditched his goggle glasses. They got more conventionally attractive. Their style shifting from thrift to trends. Jimmy and I were left by the wayside. Together, we spent weeks playing the Xbox or with Oliver. Together in our island of isolation. Trying to keep each other sane. With no apps for validation, I was left an emotional mess. With the self-confidence of a lonely fucking grandma. School sucked, period. Everyone was so… mean. Conceited. Think the pretentious narcissism of an asshole professor combined with the harsh sadism of a beautiful bully. I heard them whisper “bitch” or “cunt” behind my back. Heard them judge my style. My glasses. For that matter, I saw no one else wearing glasses, nevermind unique clothing or hairstyles. Forget individualism. These assholes were perfect. The fucking teachers included. Even the older ones. The classes were nothing more than preppy propaganda. All anybody gave a damn about was making us pass the standardized tests. Only such preparation included bland explanations for everything from The Civil War to literary analysis. There was no creativity. No controversy. Not that my Goddamn classmates cared… In addition to the content, the teachers attempted to refine us. They “taught” us how to talk to neighbors and parents. How to be polite above all else. And how to “dress for success.” Everyone always looked over at me during those talks. A peer pressure that extended beyond the popular kids… all the way up to administration. Of course, my mom and stepdad weren’t there for support. If anything, mom turned from an idol to a Karenish bitch. The few times she talked to me were about how much Oliver stunk up the house… Nevermind the fact I bathed him every other day. Around September, Jimmy also became different. Like a Northside clone, he went the way of Hollister and Hilfiger. He lost the weight and glasses. Started straightening his hair. At twelve, he’d become yet another Columbus casualty. A perfect prep. Jimmy stopped talking to me. Instead, he joined mom and dad with the Brooks family. Mom started driving him to school while I still rode the bus. Alone. Me and Jimmy’s only interactions were exchanging disgusted looks. Now all I had was Oliver... A fucking guinea pig. Everything came to a halt in October. The library had closed its doors on me during lunch… So now I had to march on to territory I found simultaneously intimidating and repulsive: the school cafeteria. I knew I’d sit alone. Nevermind actually eating… the food sickened me anyway. Instead, I sat alone at my corner table. Far from this conformist crowd. Regardless of the cold fall weather, the school practiced climate control. The temp was warm and steady. Even in a room without windows. Most of the seats were taken except the ones near me. Several admins strutted around the middle of the room, feigning toughness as always. On the prowl out of pride rather than sympathy. For a few minutes, I enjoyed the observations. Especially from here. Now I really saw how the entire fucking school was the same both in dress and attitude. Of course, I couldn’t help but admire the beauty as well. From here, I had a great view of Mike and Kathleen making out in the corner. The school quarterback and cheerleader captain feeling all over each other. Both of them beyond fine. Their bubble butts and physiques equally impressive. Then again, their image was somehow common in this school. From out of nowhere, a redhead laid her hand on my shoulder. Leah Houston and her posse now stood before me. Together, they formed a collective glare. A sadistic spotlight shined right on me. “What are you doing in the cafeteria today?” Leah said. She motioned toward my face. “Bitch.” Her friends’ wicked laughter created a chorus. Now I saw others in the lunchroom looking at me. Smiles plastered across their attractive faces. I their sacrificial lamb for entertainment. For torture. Goddamn… no wonder I usually went to the library. “What? You mad, Michaella?” Leah teased. “Ugly bitch!” Now I saw even Mike and Kathleen watching. I heard a nasty laughter spread throughout the room. Sweat slid down my skin. My hands trembled. This executioner’s stage was for all to see… Leah made damn sure of it. And of course, those asshole admins didn’t care. Not when the abuse involved the girl they didn’t give a fuck about. “Why don’t you go back to the library with your uglyass?” Leah said. Her team kept chuckling. Their laughter knives further slicing into my sensitive skin. My tears didn’t matter to them. Nor my existence. My soul. I glared at Leah’s pretty, powdered face. “Trust me, I want to.” Sneering, Leah took an angry step toward me. “Oh, is that right?” I stood up. A hush then overtook the cafetera. The perfect teens watched in suspense. This perfect temperature getting hotter in this heat of the moment. Channeling the badass bitches I saw in rap videos, I looked Leah up and down. “Yeah. I’m not trying to catch your chlamydia, Karen.” Everyone hit a stunned silence. The admins stood frozen in fear. Leah’s friends mouths’ dropped in my drops mic moment. A red scare overtook Leah’s face. Her layers of make-up began to melt. I forced a smile. But still couldn’t stop trembling… simultaneously nervous and excited. With a battle cry, Leah pushed me back. “You ugly bitch!” That literally pushed me too far. The culmination of several shitty months collided with this high schooler’s agonizing angst. I retaliated and slugged that bitch in the face. The hard punch sent Leah to the floor. Her friends gasped but didn’t fight back… much like the rest of the school. I stood there, hand and head held high. A smile crossed my lips. So this was what confidence felt like? Immediately, the admins grabbed me. They hurried me straight to the principal’s office as Leah played victim. Chewing me out along the way to Mrs. Stevens. Not that I cared. The other kids stayed quiet and scared. Just how I wanted their lameasses to stay. Of course, Mrs. Stevens hit the bitch button quick. Trapped in her small office, I had no choice but to be beaten down by her glare and many sports trophies. Mrs. Stevens glowered. The cropped blonde hair unable to disguise those focused eyes. “You’ve been giving us trouble, Michaela.” I turned away. Still relishing my short-lived victory. “What we aim to do at Northside is to be respectful,” Mrs. Stevens went on. “To be refined. We’ve got test scores to maintain, Ms. Pallotti!” Smirking, I glared at her. “I can tell.” Mrs. Stevens slammed her fist on the desk. “So get with it, Pallotti!” she screamed. Fueled by disgust, she waved at me. At my skeleton blouse. “Act normal, be normal! This is what they test y’all on!” “What… What are you talking about?” Flashing a chilling smile, Mrs. Stevens leaned in closer. “I suggest you comply with what we expect at Northside, Ms. Pallotti. This is what the standardized testing’s for. To make you refined.” She sat back in her seat. The principal’s tall frame still towering over me. “We expect y’all all to be up to par.” Before I could cuss this bitch out, she shipped me to guidance. Straight to Ms. Kay’s office. Her room was smaller but more inviting. Ms. Kay kept framed portraits of both her family and beloved Florida State Seminoles. The bright decorations contrasted the school’s bland red, white, and blue decor. I now sat in front of Ms. Kay, dreading this diagnosis. Ms. Kay was chubby but pretty. Her curly hair strewn about along her broad shoulders. Her bright eyes even more noticeable over the pointed nose. Ms. Kay easily amongst the youngest on Northside’s faculty. “But they started it first!” I said. “But Michaella, that doesn’t matter,” Ms. Kay said in her elegant Southern tone. “You have to be refined like them. Like everybody else.” Sighing, I leaned back. Avoided all eye contact to languish in my defeat. “Look, I know it’s a struggle,” the counselor continued. “I know people can be mean because you’re different. You want to be yourself, I get that. So do I! But that’s just not the way it works here.” Memories flickered in my young mind. The times mom and dad took us to the beach. Those nights with Sher and Michaella. The bowling alley, the hot boys. “It’s tough, Michaella,” Ms. Kay said. “I know. But you only make it harder on yourself.” Everything had changed. In an elegiac epiphany, I traced the despair to the day we set sail for Northside High. Gone were my friends. My parents. My whole family for that matter. I was all alone. Tears slid down my face. No longer could I fake the strength. The toughness. No amount of style and sarcasm could stifle raw emotion. “Michaella,” said Ms. Kay. “Michaella, honey.” Now I was full on sobbing. Trembling in tears. Concerned, Ms. Kay stood up. “It’s gonna be okay.” She knelt down beside me. “I promise, Michaella.” She grabbed my hand in a reassuring grip. “It will be. The problem isn’t you, I’m not blaming you.” I confronted her soulful eyes. Spellbound to my seat. I started to stop weeping. Relieved to see this rare sight out of her or anyone out here: sympathy. “It’s just that those scores matter,” Ms. Kay said. She squeezed my hand tighter. Simultaneously supportive and cryptic. “We have no choice at Northside High, Michaella. You have to realize that.” “No,” I struggled to say. “It’s not right… Why’s everyone like this…” Still clinging to my hand, Ms. Kay moved closer. Inches away from my face. “It’s our way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. This testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I stared at Ms. Kay in silence. The glasses no chance at blocking out her hypnotic power. “The good behavior matters to us,” Ms. Kay went on. “The refined behavior. It’ll only help you in the long run.” I nodded. Like a persuasive preacher, she pulled me in closer toward her. A steady, stern pull. “It’s for your own good,” she said. Her gentle fingers caressed my face. Her eye contact unwavering. “Just trust me, Michaella.” I gave in. Surrendering my soul to Ms. Kay. To the school. “Yes ma’am…” “Now.” In a smooth motion, Ms. Kay slid the glasses off my face. The blurriness was only be brief. Especially here at Northside. Flashing a grin, Ms. Kay ran a hand through my long hair. “I’ve got just the thing for you.” She rubbed my cheek. “Just the thing.” I went home early that day. Without the glasses and dressed in the Abercrombie shirt and jeans Ms. Kay kept in her room. My hair now in a flowing ponytail. An enlightenment entered me. I felt the All-American awakening. No longer would I wear those edgy clothes. I wouldn’t need glasses with these blue contacts now. More make-up would only make me more prettier. I was gonna ace those standardized tests. Make Northside pride. I right then and there became refined. My mom and stepdad were understandably upset. I had disappointed them, after all. I’d disappointed everyone. There was no need to be a rebel without a cause. To be unhappy. Instead of making others miserable, I needed to be pretty and friendly. Be more social. Be a Patriot too. So I didn’t talk back. Instead, I accepted the Hollister and Abercrombie my mom and dad bought me. The wardrobe they’d always had waiting on me. For punishment, mom got rid of Oliver. I didn’t ask where she took him. I didn’t flinch or shed a tear. Or say goodbye. Being refined meant never showing weakness. Just sparkling smiles and joy. No show of sadness. Finally, I’d been cured. Now mom started driving me to school. Now her and dad were nice. Our family dinners actually involved small talk. Laughter. Nothing too deep or personal, of course. During a wing Wednesday, my mom even talked me into joining FFA. Dad got me on the girls’ soccer team. Jimmy was already in both baseball and SGA, after all. Over the next few weeks, I got more involved at Northside. Who knew wearing trendy brands and ditching glasses made you so much more attractive in high school? I was greeted by smiles rather than smirks. My classmates now compelled instead of repulsed. They found me hot. Interesting. Refined. I was so admired Leah even surrendered to my allure. By early November, I was in Mike and Kathleen’s gorgeous clique. At the top of the Northside totem pole. My grades improved. The fucking teachers welcomed me with open arms. And somehow, lunch became my favorite part of the day. Then today came the best part: I finally got a boyfriend. Through the sea of attractive suitors, I landed Corey Harrison. He was my age but taller. Richer. A real cutie with smooth brown skin and short black hair. That perfect Patriot smile. He was gonna be a future NFL wide receiver. And along with the chiseled body, he was perfect for my high school hook-ups... After class, I headed out toward the parking lot. Where Henry and his Camaro were waiting to take me away. Slowed down by constant “heys” and “what’s up, Michaellas,” I made my way down the hall. Standing in her office doorway, Ms. Kay waved at me. The flawless pant suit fit her perfectly. “Have a good day, Michaella!” she beamed. We exchanged smiles. “You too!” I said. Then Ms. Kay gave me a sly wink. I kept going. But her wink stayed with me… Ms. Kay was my savior, man. Without her, I wouldn’t have made it. Wouldn’t have been refined. After all this time, I still didn’t know what really happened to mom and dad. Or Jimmy. What made them change. Who or what molded them into this Northside status quo. And maybe I didn’t wanna know... The transformation never hit me. Just like it never hit Ms. Kay. “You have to be refined like them,” I remembered Ms. Kay telling me the day I was in her office. “Like everybody else.” She wasn’t giving me advice but a warning. Tips on how to blend into this horrifying high school. How to survive. Ms. Kay gave me those clothes. The contacts. After all, she’d been “performing” perfection for years now. I’d learned from the best. Plus, I liked to think there was optimism. With graduation just a few months away, I had an escape. Then I’d be free from the suburbs and school… free from my family. But then like a haunting cry in the night, I remembered what else Ms. Kay said: “It’s our way, Michaella. And more schools are now copying us. The testing’s spreading all over the county now.” I remembered how Ms. Kay would only stay silent or stare blankly when I mentioned how I couldn’t wait to go to college. How I couldn’t wait to escape the “testing.” The pretty, perfect Patriots. In Northside’s comfortable climate, I caught a chill. Several preppy seniors flashed me weird looks. An admin hurled a scowl at me. I stopped and turned. Ms. Kay still stood there in the doorway. Still watching me. Fear was in her eyes. A subtle crack through her conformist costume. 14
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